Summer time is really only good for one thing – vacations. It’s way too fucking hot to do anything around the house so it’s just best to get the hell out of town for a couple weeks. While we may not be experts in much, we are experts in not working. In fact, we’ve perfected the art of vacationing. Some people take time off to lounge around the house or pack up the entire family to visit other family members. Not us. That shit is dumb and a waste of not working days.
Our vacationing experience didn’t come overnight. Hell no. We worked very hard experimenting, refining and documenting our research. We were also thorough. In fact, J. Allen once went on a year-long vacation. Yes, you read that correctly. J. Allen spent a full year not working and dedicating his time and energy into perfecting not working. It was challenging and difficult at times but he managed. That’s the kind of dedication we are talking about here. The only other thing that we’ve been that dedicated to over our lives is making fun of our friend Phil. Granted making fun of Phil is often easy but because we take it seriously, we don’t take the easy way. We really get in deep. As deep as he as Phil’s love for thinking of excuses.
Seriously though, we love Phil. And this is a digression anyways so let’s get back to the task at hand.
Because we love you, our dedicated readers, we are going to do you the service of sharing some of our deep and profound vacation related knowledge with you. We won’t share it all because then you would all be experts what good is being an expert at something that everyone is an expert at? That would be like being an expert at breathing.
So here are some tips on how to vacation, the Brothers Bell way.
Don’t plan. At all. Planning will only get you into trouble because things never go according to “the plan.” If you plan a bunch of outdoor activities you can bet your ass the second you start your vacation it’s going to rain non-stop until you leave. Or if you plan on staying inside and drinking a couple bottles of Jack all alone, you can bet Safeway is only going to have Old Crow and we all know that shit tastes like cancer. So don’t plan shit. If you are traveling with someone and they try to make a plan slap them in the face. Even if it’s a simple plan like when someone says “hey, let’s go to that really fancy Italian restaurant down by the docks that we passed earlier when we were just wandering around aimlessly because we don’t have a plan.” That’s a plan. It’s not stated like a plan but it’s a plan. So who ever says something like that slap them in the face. Not having a plan will let you do whatever you want on your vacation. Like sitting in a room all by yourself drinking a full bottle of Jack. Also, don’t ask anyone “what’s fun to do around here” because those people you just asked are going to lie to you because they hate you.
Go somewhere. Don’t sit on your ass at home. Sitting on your ass at home is stupid. But make sure you pick a cool destination. Also, see above. Don’t plan to go somewhere, just go. Start driving or just show up at the airport and see what’s cheap. If Chuck Garabedian’s Mega-Savings seminars have taught us anything, is that you can fly cheap if you don’t care where you go. But with this in mind, don’t go somewhere that sucks. We realize that this seems like a dumb thing to remind you to do but people constantly go to shitty places for vacation. Every year people go to Texas for vacation. That’s stupid. Texas is stupid. So don’t go to stupid places like Texas on vacation. Go to Texas when you have to go and there is no other option – like work trips and for funerals. Those are the only times someone should go to Texas. Fuck Texas. Seriously.
This is harder than you think. Especially considering we’ve already told you to skip any kind of planning. But here is the minimum you (boys and girls) need to pack for any vacation; underwear, a leopard print shirt, toothbrush, a hard drive full of pornographic films/images, condoms, flip-flops, San Diego Padres hat, Wine Coolers, sleeping pills, a hair brush, condoms, three pair of shorts, t-shirt that says “I’m a tourist! Don’t rape me,” finger paints, a bottle of Jack, socks, condoms, leather chaps, brass knuckles, mace, condoms, and masking tape.
Once of the best parts about going on vacation is trying new and exotic foods. There is going to be a strong temptation to eat stuff that you already know – like fast food. Don’t do it. You can get that shit at home. Also stay away from chain restaurants like Chili’s, T.G.I. Friday’s and the like. Sure the Awesome Blossom is indeed “awesome” but you can get that in every city in the US. Seriously, how many times are you going to be in Chicago and be able to go to a pizza place that’s off of a dark alley under a sign that says “Catacombs?”
Stay in a hotel. Don’t go camping. Homeless people camp. You don’t want to be homeless do you? Hell no you don’t. So don’t go camping. Stay in a hotel. Finding a hotel can be tricky though because there are some sketchy-ass hotels out there. A good indicator of how nice/safe the hotel you are considering staying at is the quality of hooker standing outside. If the hooker has only a couple teeth, constantly scratches her crotch, shouts incomprehensible babble at the top of her lungs and may or may not be a dude you should find another hotel. Unless that’s your scene. If that’s the case then you probably already know the hotel and how to make a quick exit. Also, once you get to your room make sure you identify the quickest way to get to the car without anyone seeing you… in case shit goes down.
So there you go. If you follow those tips while vacationing that you will certainly have an awesome time and what good is going on vacation if you can’t have an awesome time? None… that’s what good it is.
P.S. Phil’s baby looks like Patton Oswalt. Just sayin’…