The Unthinkable
April 04, 2010

The rumors are true. They are. It takes a lot to admit this considering everything I (J. Allen) have said over the past 10 years, but it’s not exactly what you think. It’s just not.

As of a couple months ago, I, J. Allen Bell, have a cell phone. An iPhone to be exact.

I know, I know. It’s crazy! I’ve spent the last 10 years talking an endless amount of shit with regard to cell phones and people’s reliance on them. My favorite response when someone asked me “You don’t have a cell phone?” was to reply “you know, there was a time, almost 10 years ago, when cell phones didn’t exist and we all got by ok.” Kind of a dick thing to say, I also will admit that, but whatever… I’m kind of a dick. I didn’t (and in many ways still don’t) understand peoples complete and utter reliance on a cell phone. I’m sure we all know people, that if they lost their cell phones would be completely unable to live. They’d sit in their houses drawing circles on the wall with their own feces while chanting lines from The Shinning – unless of course we are talking about the millennials, if that’s the case then they’d probably be quoting lines from “Twilight” or some shit.

I’m going to digress here for a second because there is something I feel I need to address. What the fuck is up with these pussy millennials and their pussy vampires? Vampires are supposed to be bad-ass blood suckers who only want to eat and bang humans. This “Twilight” garbage with vampires that are weak-ass, bitchy, overly emotional, non-sex having, “sparkling” instead of dying loser kids is a slap to the face of Brahm Stroker. If he were alive today he’d be stabbin’ the assholes responsible for all this in their lame-ass hearts.

But, as I said, that’s a digression and I’m not here to complain about “Twilight.” So back to the matter at hand…

Cell phones, to me, represent a direction in our culture that I’m not exactly comfortable with – being connected at all times. The Matrix is coming and we are all taking the blue pill. Is it the blue pill? I can’t remember. Which ever pill it was that you take to stay in the Matrix… that’s the pill we are all taking. Almost all of us are totally plugged into the machine and I’m resisting as much as possible. Yes I am aware of the irony of that last statement considering the amount of information I put out on the interwebs about myself through the various websites I run but at least that stuff is mostly made up and often complete lies… mostly… kinda… some of it. Probably.

But see, here’s the deal. While I technically own a cell phone, I don’t consider it a phone. What this represents to me is access to the interwebs anywhere and everywhere I happen to be – except anywhere between Flagstaff and Phoenix apparently. That’s what I wanted and that’s what I set out to get a couple months ago. The fact that it doubles as a phone is neither here nor there. I have the internet with me always and that is kinda awesome. I have the answer to everything within arms reach now! I’ll never lose a bet again. All thanks to having my little iPhone portable internet device with me.

When I went in to the AT & T store to get my portable internet device the sales guy tried to tell me that I should probably get one of the more expensive voice plans (because he is a sales guy) but I told him that the cheapest, smallest amount of minutes available was what I needed. When I told him that I’m not looking for a phone, I’m looking for the internet he looked a little confused. He told me that surely only 450 minutes of call time a month (the plan I picked) was not enough for a person living in 2010. He overestimated my phone usage. I assured him that over those 450 minutes a month, I was likely to roll over 449 minutes a month. He laughed until he realized I was serious. I let him know I was serious by showing him my serious face. As of right now I have used a total of 43 minutes since I bought my portable internet device and 23 of those minutes were for a conference call.

So I despite the fact that technically I now have a cell phone, I still don’t want a cell phone. Cell phones kinda suck but the internet is awesome. I sent an email from the middle of the everglades the other day. That is kinda awesome.

One last comment about “the machine.” Facebook is still the devil and I have zero interest in ever getting involved there. So while I have a cell phone, I’m not connecting to the machine fully just yet.