Stupid Search
January 12, 2010

Did you know that stupid people have figured out how to use the internet? They have! It’s totally true. Stupid people now know how to “get online” and use “search thingies” to find out information. We are assuming these stupid people are just looking for pictures of boobs or something (because they probably can’t read) but it doesn’t change the fact that stupid people are using the internet.


Like most websites, search engines bring a fair amount of traffic to The Scoop. Around the Scoop news offices, the random and bizarre things people type into these search engines, only to end up at The Scoop, is endlessly entertaining. Then of course there are those perfect storms of awesomeness when someone types something ridiculous in to a search engine and ends up at an equally ridiculous Scoop story.


A classic example of this is the fact that people searching for instructions on how to lift their trucks end up at our Scoop story about how lifting your truck means you have a small penis. That’s funny. But at the same time we can’t help but feel a little bit of pride. Because if we can stop one person from lifting their truck than we have done this world a great service. Some may even say the greatest service. We wouldn’t say that but someone might. We would not disagree, but we would not encourage that statement.


We’d probably say the greatest service we could do to this world is convince everyone that werewolves are real and if we don’t get our shit together they are going to fucking kill us all. This is serious. People need to understand that if we don’t get ready we are all fucked, both literally and figuratively. If we don’t melt every single piece of silver we own and turn that silver into bullets, werewolves are going to kill us and skull fuck our faces until we ourselves turn into werewolves. That’s how the werewolf thing really works. That’s how it happens here in the real world. We aren’t talking about those gay-ass werewolves from the Twilight movies. We are talking about real fucking werewolves. Seriously.


But that’s a digression… or is it?


Stupid people are using the internet and here’s a quick list of 10 recent (and totally real) search queries some of those stupid people entered into a search engine and ended up at a Scoop story. For an extra special gift, we’ve left the queries “as is” so you can see how stupid people use the internet.


“Will the fcc banned christian based programming”
This search led to: FCC Cracks Down on Racy Holiday TV Programming


Other than the poor grasp for the English language employed by this internet searcher (as apposed to the poor grasp of English that we employ), the thing that cracks us up here is that the searcher is probably Christian and ended up at a story that features the sentence “The FCC has already banned a new Frosty the Snowman movie because Frosty appears naked and a Rudolph the Red Nosed Ranger mini-series because of inappropriate touching between Rudolph and an elf named Big Harry.” That’s awesome.


“drug vacations”
This search led to: Expedia.com To Offers New Drug, Hooker Vacations


When we wrote this story we thought we were being funny. Little did we know that there are (stupid) people out there using the internet to find drug and hooker vacations. We guess Expedia should pay attention here. Maybe there really is a market for this sort of thing. If there is, we want a cut. You hear us Expedia? If you screw us on this we’ll find you.


“new jersey douche bags”
This search led to: Douche Bag Disease Traced to New Jersey


There really isn’t much we can say here. The fact that typing “new jersey douche bags” into a search engine returns 122,000 hits – how they ended up at our site is amazing. But at least they got a story they were looking for.


“Oldest Language in World With Proof”
This search led to: English World’s Oldest Language


We like this one because it’s obviously a student who is writing a paper. What makes this student stupid is that they clicked on the title of the article that said “English World’s Oldest Language.” A student clicked on a headline that suggested English is the oldest language. Dumb-ass. What makes this even more awesome is that there might be a kid out there that quoted a scoop story as “proof” in a (completely wrong) research paper. But if we were teachers, this kid would totally get an “A.”


“marrying a doll”
This search led to: Little Girl Arrested for Marrying Man, Unicorn


This one is rather intriguing because we can see this person being one of two things. One; they are a little girl who wants to become ordained to preside over the blessed union of some of her dolls or, two; it’s some dude that wants to know if he can legally marry his fuck doll. Either way, it’s a story that brings a tear to our eyes.


“masturbation clubs las vegas”
This search led to: Wynn Adding Giant Masturbation Coliseum to Las Vegas Resort


What the fuck? On any given day there is at least three searches relating to masturbating in Las Vegas that come in to The Scoop. Why the hell are so many people going to Las Vegas to masturbate? Of all the things you could do in Vegas and people really want to know where they can jack off in public? Don’t people realize that hookers are legal in parts of Nevada, or they can at least get in-room “massages” from one of the billions of advertisements that are handed out on the Strip? Apparently we have been doing Vegas all wrong.


“The sneaky ways of Las Vegas hookers”
This search led to: Wynn Adding Giant Masturbation Coliseum to Las Vegas Resort


We know we already included a search string that ended up at our Las Vegas masturbation story, but this one is really, really awesome. What the fuck? Seriously. Firstly, hookers are sneaky? Secondly, what difference does it make if they are sneaky? What is this person planning to do? Why does this person distrust hookers so much? Is it just Las Vegas hookers that are sneaky? Way too many questions.


“Miss nude world”
This search led to: Miss Nude World 1971 Comes Out of Retirement


Probably about 10 people a day end up at The Scoop looking for information on Miss Nude World. We don’t know if people are looking for information on past winners or how to enter. Either way, why? Why search for this?


“world most funniest monkeys”
This search led to: Monkeys in a Barrel Funniest Thing on Earth


Everyone knows that monkey’s are funny. But searching for the “world most funniest” monkey? That’s something that we find a little intriguing. Our guess is that it’s that monkey that sticks his finger in his but, smells it and then falls out of a tree. That monkey is funny.


“do gamma rays turn a person green”
This search led to: Congress Questions Heroes About Steroids


Really? It’s 2010. Really? We realize that science class is all hard and stuff. Especially when you have to get back home to check on the meth you are watchin’ for your Momma while she’s out Entertainin‘… but seriously.


As a special treat, we thought we’d share with you the number one image search that comes in to The Scoop:


“Future game consols”
This seach led to: Video Game Convention Offers Vision of Future Game Consoles


This is essentially a story about being able to stick your dick into a video game. There is nothing that makes us happier that getting some video game nerds hopes up that this will someday be a reality.


Stupid people are using the internet and the world will never be the same. And please take care when visiting Las Vegas because apparently a lot of these stupid internet users are headed there to masturbate and distrust hookers.