Why We Love Sports
August 01, 2009

We love sports. Actually… strike that. We love some sports. Hockey – fucking awesome. Baseball – pretty cool. Soccer – sure, why not? Football – Aaron is a casual fan, not J. Allen. But that’s about it. All the other sports can suck it. Especially basketball. Fuck basketball.

The reason we love sports, more than most other forms of voyeuristic entertainment (TV and movies) is simple; at this point in American Entertainment, everything is so whittled and dumbed down that you have to have an IQ below 80 to enjoy most of it. Unfortunately, it looks like almost all of America has an IQ of below 80 and enjoy the crap that’s being produced, which in turn makes those that are in charge make more of it.

Michael Bay, we are looking right at you. Funny story… the other week when we were at Comic-Con, they were selling shirts that read “Michael Bay Raped My Childhood.” They we’re selling like hotcakes, so much so that when we got to their booth on Friday, the second day of the con, they were already out of fat guy sizes. Now we know what you’re thinking, “how could they possibly run out of fat guy sizes at a comic convention, they should ONLY make fat guy sizes.’ That’s what we said, but then again, this all seems like a digression for digressions sake.

Anymore, we don’t even have to see the movie or TV show to tell you exactly what’s going to happen. We know the guy is always going to get the girl (unless it’s an “indie flick,” in that case one of the lovers will die before the end) and we always know that the ending will be tied up nicely so no questions linger to confuse people (unless, again, it’s an “indie flick” and in that case the ending will be purposely vague).

We love surprises and there just aren’t very many in movies and TV anymore. And that’s why we love sports, or at least the ones mentioned above. We rarely know how it’s going to end. Even if we are pretty sure one team will kick the ass of the other, we don’t know how it’s going to play out and there is always a chance of an upset.

Some dead dude once said something like “on any given Sunday, any team could beat the shit out of any other team.” We’re paraphrasing there, but you get the idea.

But again, that’s what we love – the surprise. In this day and age of the good guy always winning (unless it’s an “indie flick” in which case the good guy won’t win) it’s refreshing to know that it doesn’t always work out like a Hollywood story. The feel-good, Cinderella teams (like the 2007 Colorado Rockies) may surprise a shit-ton of people and make a serious run at the championship, but they may also just get their ass beat by a better team. If that happened in Hollywood, the feel-good, Cinderella team would have won the whole thing (unless it’s an “indie flick,” then the team would all die right before the big game and the coach would have to decide whether or not to pull the plug).

Who wants to always know how things will end? Does it make people feel smart knowing the plot/ending before it’s all laid out? If there is no surprise in anything anymore than why even hang out?

That’s where we are coming from. And if you disagree with us… have fun enjoying the new G.I. Joe movie. We are sure you will be totally surprised when the main character, who ever it is, steps up and becomes the super hero everyone, except his rival, thought he’d be and saves the day from the evil but never really developed bad guys, only to have the bad guys resurface during the final scenes in a mysterious way in order to set up the inevitable sequel.

One other important note here: Fuck the Red Wings. They are evil assholes.