Tips for Writing Like Us
May 25, 2009

In this difficult economy, some of you out there may be toying with the idea of starting your own version of The Scoop. That’s exactly what we did ten years ago. Suffering the sting of post-graduation debt and without a job to fall back on, we created The Scoop to stave off boredom and to tell chicks that we were famous writers.


While we can’t say that creating your own satirical online news magazine will fill your pockets full of loose cash and surround you with hot, easy chicks, we can say that it’s a damn fine way to entertain yourself during the dark times.


So in an effort to help all you would be writers out there, we thought we’d lend the mentor’s hand and offer a number of tips on how to succeed at starting up a Scoop clone.


Tip #1
Establish realistic deadlines. You might feel really ambitious and think “shit yeah I can publish a story a day” but there are cartoons, alcohol and other people that will really get in the way of you doing anything, let alone committing to your deadline. We suggest starting off light – say one story every five months. That way you have plenty of time to enjoy cartoons, alcohol and other people before you have to meet your deadline.


Tip #2
Once you’ve established a realistic deadline, wait until the two days before that deadline before you actually start to work. Getting an early jump on things is for losers and nerds. Why start right away on a story when you can wait until two days before it’s due? This will ensure that your stories seem rushed and full or errors.


Tip #3
Keep your story ideas in a notebook and use terrible handwriting to do so. Being able to read your list of story ideas isn’t really as important as you may think. When you can’t make sense of your story idea, just take a guess and run with it. Remember, none of your work has to make sense.


Tip #4
Don’t flesh out story ideas. Get an idea, sit down at a computer and work through it as fast as possible. That way your stories will have a lot of potential but weak execution.


Tip#5
Make all your characters sound exactly the same. Use the same phrases and language for each of the people quoted in your stories. That will provide consistency and it will also make things a lot easier (and quicker) to write.


Tip #6
Don’t use big words – people are imbeciles.


Tip #7
Drink. A lot. Everyone knows that alcohol makes you more creative and generally funnier. So indulge in alcohol as often as possible.


Tip #8
Make fun of Jesus. If there is one thing that is a guarantee to draw big laughs, it’s Jesus. We personally try to work Jesus into every issue and we attribute a lot of our success to doing that. We aren’t real sure why everyone (and we do mean everyone) thinks Jesus is so funny… but as long as they do, we’ll keep making fun of him.


Tip #9
Create a made-up character and use them as often as possible. When you simply have no ideas, just create a character and ramble about something stupid. Fortunately Hollywood and the entertainment industry provide enough fodder for long winded, mildly disturbing editorials written by fictional characters.


Tip #10
Don’t listen to other people when they tell you “you know what would be funny?” In order to succeed, you really have to shut everyone else out. Remember that you are the writer and everyone else is stupid. Everyone. Especially the really smart and funny people.


So there you have. That right there is everything you need to know in order to create your very own Scoop News – or at least the way we do it. Now get out there and barley succeed… just like us!