The Cheaters Lair…
February 05, 2004

EDITORS NOTE: We know we didn’t post a column last month and for once it is not because we are lazy… it’s because we feared revenge from the subject of this here column. So we laid low for a couple weeks waiting for the storm to settle. but now we think things will be OK… we hope.

Granted, neither one of us is exactly the model for Mr. Perfect. In fact we have done some not-very nice stuff and a lot of blasphemous stuff. Speaking of blasphemous, funny story… We have embarked on a new adventure that is sure to land us in Hell and frankly, we wouldn’t be real surprised if the hand of God reached down to spite us as we work on it.

Are you ready for this? ‘Cus seriously, this is one hell of a digression. You see, we have decided to have a little fun at the expense of travelers and more importantly, the Gideons. A while back, on one of our many adventures, we ended up in a hotel room in Vegas and wouldn’t you know it, there we found the good book, or the Bible to those of you not in the know. We saw it there in one of the dresser drawers, had some "funny" ideas and so we took it. Why? Cus we have plans for that little baby. The plans go a little something like this – Every time we spend a night in a hotel, we will replace the existing Bible with one we have, well… modified. For example, the first one, placed in a Tempe, AZ hotel room, will have the shape of a gun cut out of it. You know, like in all those gangster movies. The old gun-hidden-in-the-book trick. Of course we don’t actually own a gun to put in there but imagine the surprise of finding a Bible with the shape of a gun cut out of it as guilt and shame drive you to reach for the Bible after committing some hedonistic acts with a hooker, three sheets of sandpaper and a llama. Don’t worry dear readers, this whole plan will detailed, with pictures, in a column a little later on in the year, after a couple of these Scoop-edited Bibles have been placed.

And god said let there be a digression.

So yes, we are not saints by any stretch of the imagination but there are certain things that even we think are just not right. Having an affair with a wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, dog, life partner is just wrong. It’s just not right. Whether you have fallen out of love or are just pissed off at them, there really is no excuse. Especially if you have kids. And one more thing, if you are going to cheat, DO NOT let the Scoop News editors know about it. For we will punish you, just like the person we are currently punishing.

By day, we share an office with a guy who just happens to be having an extra marital affair. At home, he has a wife and four kids. Four kids. Oh, shit we forgot the best part. He’s Mormon! Good times. Anyways, Ray-Ray (not his real name) spends a good part of his work day, about three or four hours of it, chatting it up with his hootchie, loud enough for anyone within 30 feet of him to hear. Like he is wanting the whole world to know of his adultery.

As we’re sure you can imagine, this makes for some awkwardness on our parts and we certainly don’t want to hear Ray-Ray, talk shit about his wife to the homewrecker on the other end of the phone. When the dirty-talkin’ begins we usually get up and leave or we just turn up our music. While he has never come right out and said he was having an affair to us, the fact that he talks so loud and doesn’t try to disguise his intentions is a little weird. Does he think we would accept his unfaithfulness as macho? Does he think we are pieces of shit like he?

Did we mention he has four kids? And a wife that doesn’t work? And that one day he brought one of his kids into work and STILL did the dirty talk with his hood-rat? Yeah… all true. What a winner, eh?

Because this has gone on for several month’s now, we decided to take some action… in our typical passive aggressive way. We started recording the conversations. Aaron’s Christmas present (for Christmas related cheer, read the last column) was a MP3 player with a built in microphone. Well, by setting that up on Jeff’s desk and hitting "Record" we get a nice and clear recordings of an, albeit one sided, adulterous conversations.

What on earth would we want those for? Well, for you, our dear readers. Because he is Mormon and many ways socially retarded, the conversation sound like a cross between a junior high date and a Two Live Crew song. However, unfortunately for you, The Scoop’s legal council advised against posting said conversations on the web. Something about high penalty law suits. So instead, we compromised. We transcribed juicer parts of the conversations and re-recorded them with us acting out the roles. With only one side of the conversation on tape, we had to make up the rest. That was fun.

The hard part was the transcribing. That shit takes forever. Do you guys know how hard it is to try and wade your way through a conversation when there is a lot of shit going on around it? It is ass hard. Yes we said it, ass hard. See, the mic on said MP3 player is really good. So not only do we get Ray-Ray’s conversation, we get all the conversations that are going on right outside the door. And we get the radio. And we get Jeff taking a phone call right in front of the god damned recorder so instead of getting perhaps one of the juiciest conversations, we get Jeff going on about some stupid-ass database.

Regardless, it was a task that was long and tedious. But we feel that the end result is well worth it. And that result is The Cheaters Lair, our very own Masterpiece Theater type radio program. And we have a lot of fun making these recordings. The first installment took us almost two hours to record because we kept making ourselves laugh. So now, we leave it to you, our dear readers, to let us know if we should continue of futile efforts. And thus, we give to you the first two chapter of The Cheaters Lair. And be warned, all of the "Elroy" lines come directly from Ray-Ray’s actual conversations. Everything said by Elroy on the tapes is 100% real. Enjoy.

The Cheaters Lair: Chapter 3
The Cheaters Lair: Chapter 6