Ultimate Fighting Championship
March 05, 2004

Let’s take a moment and talk about a subject that most people tend to just glide over and never really examine thoroughly – god. See… that was a little joke because no other subject is as discussed as this one. In fact, born again Christians never drop the issue. Fuckers. You see, we were being ironic. And we suppose it’s even more ironic that this particular subject doesn’t have any irony in it. The lack of irony is, we think, because people are to up tight about it. You know what would mellow people out? Make them less uppity and stupid? Oh yeah, those biscuits from Red Lobster. You know the ones we are talking about. Damn, them things is tofuckedly good. If we gave everyone on Earth a basket full of those tasty little treats, we would all be happy. Except for the French, they’d still be dicks. Fuckin’ lame-ass French.


And god said "let there be a digression."


This whole religious thing is quiet the hot button these days, isn’t it? Mel went and made his Jesus movie that reminded all Christians that they hate Jews, which made the Jews more uptight and over in that most-whacky of places, the middle-east, people are strapping bombs to their chest and walking into bars because their god told them it would be a good idea. If we listened to half the voices we heard we’d be in jail on several counts of public nudity and disturbing the peace.


Well, the way we see it (to borrow a phrase from the now infamous Blake), the belief and devotion a god requires would be better suited for a National Hockey League team. The religious and the hockey fan are pretty much the same, don’t you think? Isn’t religion just a stronger kind of fanatical support for a person’s favorite deity? Case in point – at the end of every hockey game a fight will break out between to fans from opposing sides. Sound familiar? Hockey fights tend to be resolved shortly after they begin by either cooler heads prevailing or by police interjection. In Israel and Palestine, you have two fan bases (of pretty similar gods) flat out brawling every single day. One of the biggest differences with fights over there is of course the increased use of assault weapons and the lack of mullets.


It’s not right that people have died because they think their god was better then their neighbors god. We like the Avalanche but we aren’t going to stab a Red Wings fan if he crosses our path. Unless it was Jerald… we would stab him… cus he is French and therefore, as stated earlier, a dick.


Despite all this, we do think there is a way to settle this mess and we can use the Stanley Cup playoffs as a guide for setting up the brackets. Let’s pit the gods (not the fans) against each other. A battle royal. Every year. Hopefully, like hockey, a different god will be crowned champ every year. This will allow all the fans, of all the gods to strut proudly for a year, until the next round of playoffs start. For at least a year, all the fans of the god champ would feel really good about themselves and their beliefs and no one could say that their god is better – because there would be proof.


All we need to do is convince all the various religions as to how kick ass of an idea this is and get them to put up their gods for the fights. The gods can use whatever powers they have to win. No holds barred. In the off season, the deities can spend money and time lining up new, even better powers to increase their chance of making it to the final.


In the end, we would have one winner. One champ. Now granted, there is sure to be some violence as the winning gods fans riot… because apparently that is what you do when your team wins. But generally, people would just relax and start looking forward to next season.


One thing for sure, this system would make for some kick ass fights. Fathers vs. sons. Eight arms vs. two. Lightning bolts vs. eye lasers.


First season – we’re putting our money on Zeus ‘cus that sonofabitch has balls!