Nothing ever happens to us
April 05, 2004

A lot of strange shit happens to us. In fact, often we can be overheard saying that "nothing is going on" or "nothing is new with us" – especially to our family. We don’t know why we say that because it couldn’t be further from the truth. There is always something going on with us. Maybe it’s that we’re so use to the madness that comes hand in hand with being editors of the most kick-ass, satirical newspaper around (not counting The Onion) that nothing really surprises us anymore. Case in point – St. Patrick’s Day, we rode to the Grand Canyon with a bus full of obnoxious country music listeners for a chance to win $25,000. Needless to say we didn’t win but the fact that we rode 80 miles, in a bus, full of dipshit rednecks, to the Grand Canyon, to enter numbers into a safe, in hopes of winning $25,000 and we consider that doing "nothing" is a little weird we think. Oh well, whatchu gonna do eh?

But as we mentioned, we didn’t win. And not only did we not win but we got lied to. Fucking country music/rock/oldies radio stations. Yes, we are a little annoyed that we didn’t win because we had seriously bitchin’ plans for that cash. Jeff was going to set aside $5,000 and have a It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World style scavenger hunt throughout Flagstaff. Aaron was going to set aside $1,000 (he doesn’t have as much money as Jeff… cus Jeff is better) for an essay contest. How much fun would it have been to watch greedy friends drive around Flagstaff looking for a midget wearing a tattoo and clown make-up (the number one thing on Jeff’s scavenger hunt list).

But we digress… because so far this column has no point.

But on the way back home, dejected and not $25,000 richer, we began to realize some things. First we hate the sonsofbithces that put the whole trip together. That and the last couple people, that we hate, that we have written a column about, have had some really bad shit happen to them. Case in point, Matt from the radio station and more famously from this column, was fired shortly after we published our column about him. Want another example? Remember Er… Ray-Ray from a couple columns back? Yup, fired. So with these and others in mind we decided to dedicate an entire column to the people we hate… in hope that something bad will happen to them. And guess who tops the list?

Those fuckers at KFLX/KOOL/KOLT
The bastards told us it was gonna be a bitchin’ party up at the Canyon and it wasn’t. It was old people. Old white people. And a shitty restaurant. And no $25,000.

College Basketball fans
All of March we have to put up with college basketball and its stupid fans. People that never went to any school participating in the championship and don’t watch the games during the regular season. All of a sudden, March comes and everyone is a fuckin’ Duke fan and all we hear is "Ganzaga is going all the way." Fuck you guys. You don’t know. You only repeat what you saw on "Sportscenter." And basketball is on every god damn channel. Makes it hard to find hockey games.

Barry Bonds
What list of people we hate would be complete without good ol’ Barry. Do we really even need to explain this one? No one will EVER convince us that he was/is not on steroids. Cheater. Dirty, dirty cheater.

This band is crap and that stupid piano song is on the radio roughly every 6.78 minutes. Though I guess the only bad thing about having something happen to these guys is that it would make room for another shitty band. I guess we will have to take that chance.

VHI Programmers
Did they toss out the entire library of videos to make room for "I Love the 80s" and other crap like that? It was kinda fun reminiscing once… not every 2 hours.

Butch Patrick
Screw that smug little bastard. We’ll teach you to run a gimmick into the ground.

Waitresses here in Flagstaff. We won’t go into how they came about their nicknames but rest assured that they are most appropriate. Both these gals hate us and we don’t know why. Each of them has spent the last 2 years trying to poison us. They treat us like shit and we have never really done anything (other than be ourselves) to anger them. Screw these bitches. And yet for some reason we kept going back. Damn Breakfast Dagwoods.

Jedi from NTN
You know that trivia game NTN that a lot of sports bars have? Well, Aaron kicks ass at it… but not enough ass to beat Jedi. The dick. So here is to him breaking his button pressing finger.

Sheik Ahmed Yassin
Oh shit… um never mind.

Guys at the Hockey game who wanted to fight us
Good story, but one for a later day. Needless to say these two jackasses thought they would start a fight with us. But luckily for us/them, we are giant pussies and just avoided the whole thing altogether by changing seats. Well, since then, their beloved Phoenix Coyotes have won only a single game. So it looks like these guys might already have had their bad luck hit although we will talk about them in hopes something else will happen.

Honorable mentions:
Reality TV producers
Bill Bidwell
Women who pretend to be interested in order to get a bigger tip
Mel Gibson
Axl Rose
Pat Morita
Women who won’t call us back

That’s it for this issue kiddies. We will be making some changes to this here column in the near future so please don’t worry when things change. Change is good. Unless you are our fried Phil who fears change. But for us, Phil and you… change is really, really good.