An Ode To Michael Perry…
June 05, 2004

Instead of continuing with the whole sacrilecious theme this month we decided to do something a little bit more honorable – actually, more like honoring. We have this friend, a damn good friend, who after that whole 9/11 thing joined the Army. Something about protecting everyone and everything he cares about from the threat of crazed terrorists. So, despite constant pleas from everyone he knows, he left for the battlefield. And as of right now he is in Iraq, fighting a war that our "president" says "isn’t for the oil." Oh, don’t you worry, this isn’t a political column. We save all that shit for the news section where we can layer it in our favorite literary techniques – satire and sarcasm. Two great tastes that taste great together. You know what else tastes good together? Tequila and lime Jello. Yum-a-dum-dum. You get all messed up with the pleasant taste of lime in your mouth. But when you empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet after 26 Jello-tequila shots, it’s… well, it’s not so pretty.

Digression, Sir!

So in honor of Mike, our friend, who is headed to the worst god damned place on this Earth, we decided to offer up some of our favorite Mike moments in this here column. You see, Mike is the funniest sonofabitch we know. He will do anything for a gaff and with us there to spur him on… well, needless to say, we had some crazy times. Here are our 10 best memories of Mike.

10. Mike getting shit faced and rubbing his package on random women at a local pub
Ahh, the good old days. Actually, this just happened over Memorial Day weekend a couple weeks ago, when Mike came home before shipping out to Iraq. See, back in the day, Mike and Aaron would drink together. And by drinking we do not mean sitting back sipping a snifter of whiskey now and again. We’re talking full on binge drinking involving countless shots of tequila. So, when Mike comes home what do we do? We do what comes most naturally – we get fucked up on tequila. After about six or seven shots, we hit the dance floor, and being that Mike hasn’t seen too much hetero action since he enlisted, he proceeds to try and get freaky with everything that has tit. The thing is, chicks aren’t too hip on strangers rubbing their packages up and down their legs. Who knew?

9. Mike and his bizarre eating habits
We shit you not, one time Mike cut off a chunk of summer sausage and proceeded to eat it like an apple. But it doesn’t stop there. The sausage was a little dry so he needed to chase it down with something. Now most people would grab a tasty beverage to go with their sausage, but not Mike. Mike reaches for a bottle of salsa. Now that’s good eating! This is also the guy that ordered pizza just about every night for dinner. At one point we asked Domino’s how much we had spent there and the total was upwards of 500 dollars. Also, Ramen Noodles, cheddar cheese and summer sausage does NOT smell good while cooking.

8. Reading Mike’s resume
This is how we met Mike, or at least how Jeff met Mike. Back in the day, Jeff was an Editor at his university’s student newspaper. As with every semester, a new staff needed to be hired on to put together the "entertainment" section Jeff was spearheading. Flipping through the resumes Jeff and his assistant came across the most goofy looking picture attached to a resume. The photo was a black and white picture of Mike standing in front of a tree smiling ear to ear. Big ears. Big glasses. Jeff never really even read the resume, the picture was enough to bring him in for an interview. By all accounts, Mike looked like he was the biggest dork on earth and Jeff wanted to meet him. Needless to say, Mike proved to be a bigger dork then anyone imagined so he was hired on the spot. Eventually Mike would go on to succeed Jeff as Editor and in return of the favor, hired Aaron.

7. Peeing on things
As mentioned before, we got drunk… a lot. Every Tuesday as a matter of fact as we (Aaron and Mike – Jeff being a non drinker, drove) chased the seemingly elusive goal of downing 100 different tequila shots. All this in order to make our mark and have our names forever listed on the wall of fame at a local pub (came pub as memory 10 in fact). Tuesday was half price tequila night so… we drank. A lot. And Jeff would drive us home… through the university campus even though it wasn’t exactly on the way home. It was tradition you see, for us to get drunk and pee on the buildings of our alma matter. We are pretty sure that we peed on about half of the campus. Once, Mike was feeling rather jolly and decided to piss on the newspaper office (the one where we all met) while they were on deadline, just on the other side of the glass. With no fear, Mike walked right up to the window and peed. Everywhere. On the doors, the handles and even tried to arc some urine in through the window. No one even noticed. How we were never arrested is amazing.

6. Mike’s Happy Time
If there is one thing that one figures out quickly about Mike, it’s that he is a man of simple pleasures. Good times, good music and self love – Mike’s three favorite things. Oddly enough, these three things happened together a lot. Many a time Mike would retire to his room and immediately turn on one of a few CDs. One being John Denver’s Greatest hits and another being the original cast recording of the Broadway musical, 1776. With the mood right, Mike would find his favorite porn website and go to town, all while listening to the music. We don’t know first hand what he was doing, pun intended, but when he emerged from his room, hands held high in victory, we knew that it must have been good. Then there were the times when Mike got it on with his girl while listening to AirSupply.

5. Mike making a drinking game out of the video game "Perfect Dark"
Another good time involving tequila. Noticing a pattern here? See, the video game is one of those first person shooters that are all the rage with the kids. Well, Mike and another friend, Caleb, decided to turn the game into a drinking challenge. Every time either Mike or Caleb were killed, they had to take a shot. Needless to say, Mike got his ass handed to him. For reasons not known now, Aaron didn’t participate in the game, but he did take pictures of the festivities.

4. Mike taking pictures for his Army application
In order to get into the Army you apparently need to take a photo of yourself in a suit looking all professional like. Well he did that and then took some other pictures. We ended up using two roles of film taking pictures of Mike doing… well, doing some very unprofessional like things. There were pictures of Mike humping a blow-up doll. Mike humping a blow-up doll from behind while holding a bee-bee gun to its blow-up head. Pictures of Mike holding said bee-bee gun in one hand and the Bible in the other. Pictures of Mike "vogue-ing." The guys at Wal-Mart must have been very, very confused when they developed these pictures.

3. Mike humping a cow in Vegas
Surprisingly enough, there was no alcohol involved in this. We went to Vegas, a lot. Not as often as we drank, but a lot all the same. Somewhere along the strip there is (or used to be) a big ass cow statue. One of its eyes was missing but that doesn’t really have anything to do with the story. As we passed it Mike thought to himself, "you know, I’d really like to get up behind that little heffer and give it a little bit of the how’s your father." So he did. Mike walked right up to the back of the cow, grabbed it by its cow hips and preceded to dry hump the cow. Passer bys were indeed as confused as the cow looked so Mike did what he could to ease the situation by saluting them.

2. Mike demonstrating his favorite sexual positions with a blow up doll
Party. Our house. Drunk. Blow-up doll. What do these spell? A fuckload of fun and some blackmail caliber pictures. Again, the people at Wal-Mart photo center must have thought we were insane. Mike got drunk and in conversation with other guests, decided to demonstrate his personal favorite sexual positions. Since no females at the party were willing to help him "demonstrate," Mike went to the corner and grabbed the only girl in the house that couldn’t resist – his blow-up doll. What followed was one of the most disturbing scenes played out at our place. One girl commented later that she felt so dirty after the party that she went home to take a shower. (OK, that last part isn’t true but it makes the story sound better – not that it needs to).

1. Mike answering the door in a costume.
Words can add nothing to the many, many pictures that we have of this. We established earlier that Mike would order a pizza about ever night. Well, since the pizza place was giving us the pleasure of enjoying their pizza, we decided to give them the joy of creeping out/scaring/confusing them when we answered the door. Once, Mike answered the door wearing only his boxers, a red scarf and a gladiator helmet… oh! And a sword. The pizza delivery person never really knew what to do especially the time Mike answered the door wearing boxers, a vest, red scarf and a beret. Jeff was supposed to come down the stairs behind the door half naked and tell Mike to hurry up back to bed. But all did not go as planned. When the door opened and he saw Mike talking to the scared/confused pizza girl, Jeff slipped and fell down the stairs, tumbling into a heap at the bottom, laughing hysterically. Then Mike laughed. Then Aaron and our other roommate Dan started laughing from somewhere in the back of the apartment. Mike politely handed the poor girl her money and closed the door. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Not all the good times involved booze. A lot of them did but not even close to most of them. This list could go one for days but we decided to cut it to 10. We just wanted to share some of the good times we had with our good friend.

Good luck Mike and this column had better never turn into a eulogy. Give us a call when you get back – we have more stories to start.

Here’s to Mike…