The things you learn while going 45 in a 30
September 05, 2004

If there has been one theme represented in this here column more than any other, it’s that life lessons, or lessons in general, come when you least expect them. They even come as a result of going 43 miles-an-hour in a 30 mile-an-hour zone – as Aaron just learned.

There is a stretch of road here, in this little town, where cops frequent. They set up their little radar traps and catch tourists who think the rules of small towns don’t apply to them and their big city SUVs. Not only do the rules apply to them but they also apply to Aaron.

And let’s be clear about one thing. Aaron won’t let the fear of a ticket stop him from getting home from work a couple minutes early! Hell no! Fuck the pigs!

So Aaron was going a little faster than he should on a particularly fateful day and gets caught. Caught by the man. The cop probably thought he was a tourist because of the Colorado license plates but that still doesn’t explain the cavity search. Nothing is more humiliating as a finger in the butt, poking around for a hidden stash, on the side of Route 66 in the middle of rush hour. Well, getting caught masturbating to the new Ashlee Simpson video comes in close but that is a story for another time.

Regardless of these minor digressions, the fact still remains that because of his efforts, Aaron had to give up a Sunday to go to traffic school. Yes, six and a half hours of traffic safety lessons. And what did Aaron learn throughout the course? How to get away with everything. And what will he do with this knowledge? Why pass it on to you our dear readers.

Now keep in mind that these rules are for Arizona and may differ in your own state. So when you get pulled over for the stuff below, don’t blame us. Unless you live in AZ, then blame us.

Lesson one: Photo Radar doesn’t count if it doesn’t take a good picture of you.

Keep in mind that this little tidbit is soon to change. So say you’re driving down the road at 180 mph, and you see a photo radar van up ahead. What do you do? The correct answer is to throw on a mask and sail right on by. See, for some reason AZ needs that picture to send you the ticket. They don’t want the hassle of sending the ticket to the car owner when that person wasn’t driving. So if they cant see you clearly, then you don’t get the fine. Unfortunately, as was said before this is soon to change, as they will stop taking pictures of the driver all together. So people, get out there and speed with masks on while you can.

Lesson two: You can drive in the center lane as long as the lines don’t break.

See, if you live in a relatively small town like Flagstaff, this is a great little piece of knowledge. See, the center lines break only at major streets. Major streets are fairly far apart. So that’s a whole other lane to drive in, unless of course there is someone in the lane making a turn or something. That would suck. But you won’t get a ticket for doing it.

Lesson three: Fuck the Click It Or Ticket law.

Cops can’t do anything about this law, so it’s pointless. In order to give someone a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt, one must get pulled over for something else first. So if you are a good, law abiding driver, unlike Aaron, then you don’t have to wear your seatbelt. Ha ha, screw you Mr. "Seatbelts save lives." In fact, you can have that list nylon bastard flopping in the wind outside of your window and the pigs still can’t do a good damn thing about it.

Lesson four: No hot people speed. Only FREAKS!

Oh yeah. With the anticipation of spending several hours in a small room with a couple fine womens, Aaron went to driving school. And guess what? Not a single, even remotely, good looking woman there. Just a bunch of creepy guys that may or may not have children bound and gagged in the trunk of their car. Ugly people get tickets and good looking people get warnings.

So, all that said, we strongly suggest you get caught for a minor traffic violation in the near future. The stuff you learn may save you two or three minutes!