Advertising is more fun when it hurts…
November 05, 2004

Well… we guess this time them liberal bastards can’t bitch and cry, calling foul and saying that President Bush wasn’t really elected. Sure, the guy we voted for came up short but we’ll get over it. We won’t be threatening to move to Canada… although that wouldn’t be too bad of an idea. They still have hockey there and you can say "fuck" on network TV. What’s not to like? We think that we could adapt pretty easily. Hell, we already know the language. All we have to do is start calling everyone "hoser" and tacking on an extra "eh" to the end of everything we say. That and we hear that the rivers in Canada are actually made of beer and that donuts grow on trees. And they have "free" medical care – just like we do he… oh wait, nope never mind. We forgot that only white people here have healthcare… unless they’re poor but really, who cares about poor people? Certainly not us, that’s for god damned sure.

Bush said it in his acceptance speech and we say it here… "I digress."

Bush won, for better or for worse, Kerry lost and the election is over. What does it all mean? We don’t know but there is one thing we are gonna miss about the election season. All the kick-ass, hate filled negative advertising done by EVERYONE running for office. Regardless of party, affiliation or religion – everyone spent most of their time talking shit about the other guy.

Aaron Bell says he won’t raise taxes and that he cares about children. What Aaron Bell forgot to mention is that he is going to raise taxes 1,000 percent and that he eats baby’s… raw, after chasing them down on the playground.
Paid for by the committee to elect Jeff Bell Supreme Chancellor of The Universe and Everything In It Except Brad Pitt.

Even here, our quaint little mountain town didn’t escape the blitzkrieg of trash-taking commercials. Every ad on TV or the radio was one candidate saying that the other candidate is going to kill everyone if they are elected. The battle for House Representative between Rick Renzi and Paul Babbitt damn near came to blows. The verbal assault on each other made for some great moments but in the end, Renzi had more money so he won. That seems to be the American Way as of late.

Jeff Bell hates America. Jeff Bell wants to give terrorists your home address. Jeff Bell wants homosexuals to be able to do what ever they want, including converting your honest, Christian family. Jeff Bell isn’t just bad for America, he’s bad for Jesus!
Paid for by the Elect Aaron Bell as Lord Master of All Things But Especially Hot Chicks.

There were negative TV and radio commercials and then there were the countless mailings. Oh, all the kindling that we would have, if only we had a fire place. Everyday when one of us opened the mail box it was like Christmas. Hundreds upon hundreds of fliers, posters, letters, placards, coupon books and election propaganda disguised as porn flooded out at us. And some of them were just as good as the commercials. One flier from the Kerry campaign all but said Bush wanted to round up every poor person in America and feed them to the rich. Conversely, a Bush postcard said Kerry was never really in Vietnam and that his healthcare plan would force single parents into slavery. That one was our favorite because we have always wanted our very own single mother slave.

Aaron Bell doesn’t want you to receive the special information that is held within this envelope. He wants all the Arby’s coupons for himself. Because he’s fat. So vote for Jeff Bell because he is not fat… or at least as fat.
Paid for by Arby’s and the Elect Jeff Bell Committee.

The negative advertising is what drives the elections. No one wants to hear the nice stuff or see the people running for office kissing babies – they want to hear about the prostitute’s bone found in the back yard of the candidate’s South Jersey home. Yeah, we will miss the election but before we leave you alone for the time being we’d just like to say one last thing:

This is famous actor and super hot sex symbol Brad Pitt calling to remind you that a vote for Aaron Bell is a vote for a true American Hero and a leader that will lead us to something really, really kick-ass. That and Jeff Bell is ugly and unpopular with the ladies. So vote like I do, and vote for Aaron.
Paid for by Brad Pitt and the committee of Hot Women who would rather look at Aaron Bell than Jeff Bell.