Looking back at 2004
December 05, 2004

Give us a break – we don’t do it that often. In fact, since we started this here thingy, we’ve only done it once or twice. This isn’t a cop-out, we promise. We just felt like doing a little reflection on 2004, the year that was. This is no VH1 Remember the Whatever. This isn’t an effort to capitalize on the nostalgia of the season. It’s just what we wanted to write about. Really.

Yes, we have a lot of shit on our plate at the moment but you, our dear readers, will always come first. So take heart in knowing that this here 2004 reflection column isn’t a result of a severe lack of time and ideas, but a calculated move to prove a point.

So, that said, let’s stop all this digression business and get down to the subject at hand; 2004, what a crazy ass year.

Note: Please advise that the content below is heavy in sarcasm. If you do not know what sarcasm is or do not appreciate it, please read USA Today.

Remember at the beginning of the year when (what turned out to be) 49 percent of America was all jazzed about getting a new president? Yeah. That was pretty bad ass. The only thing that we can compare to this last year is the American Civil War. Brother against brother. Mother against son. It was sweet. Everyone hated everyone who didn’t have the same sticker as they did on their car. There were even a couple murders based on political affiliation. All this from a country that, for the majority, has its shit together. And we are all set to help Iraq have an election? Should be… interesting. Bush won and hippies all across the country cried into their pillows. We do find it EXTREMELY entertaining that the Canadian Immigration Service website crashed three times in the 24 hours after the election. (Relax; this is the only political memory we have)

Remember when professional sports were full of steroids and fights? Hmm… do you think one may have lead to the other? Nah… Every professional sport had its ugly incidents this year. Most included fans. If you ask us, it’s not a bad deal to pay 75 bucks for tenth row tickets and then have the pleasure of getting the crap beat out of you because the roid rage kicked in and you happened to be the whitest guy in the general vicinity. At least you can throw chairs at people at sporting events now. That’s fun. But only if the chairs are metal. Plastic ones just don’t carry the way the metal ones do. When did arenas turn into giant Jerry Springer shows? Pretty soon we will have to watch Payton Manning get lectured by a 250 pound mother of five on the proper way to treat his receiving core.

Remember when the whole world saw (except Jeff, he was peeing) Janet Jackson’s titty? Hell, yeah. That’s what we are talking about. Good thing they got that kinda stuff taken care of and off the air. Who would want to see some scantily clad hooker stomping around making an ass out of herself for the whole world to see? Ok… let’s take a break from the sarcasm for a second. Paris Hilton, we are talking to you. How dare you "write" a ““book" about being a stupid spoiled whore. How dare you have a TV show about being a stupid spoiled whore. Why are you alive? We’ll tell you why. There is no god. It’s that simple. If you, Paris Hilton or Jezebel as you are more famously known, can exist, then there simply is no god. Sorry Christians, your election of Bush was all for naught. Ok, sorry. Back to the sarcasm. Good thing they continue to air the nightly news full of blood and stories about babies being traded for crack. Just keep the barely recognizable breasts off the air.

Remember when Jesus was the number one star in Hollywood? Remember how fast he fell? That movie about Jesus getting the shit beat out of him sure made a lot of money. That’s fine by us. Not big fans but we have nothing against the film at all. That said, we do find it humorous that the movie fell from the top of the charts rather quickly. Again, granted it was there for a while. Same thing happened to Titanic. A bunch of people saw the movie over and over again – sometimes more than once a day. People can only keep that up for so long. No matter how good the movie is, the law of diminishing returns always works. Except for Office Space. That damn movie gets funnier every time we see it. So the Jesus movie made a crap load of money, was number one forever and then all of a sudden, it was gone. And unlike its namesake, didn’t come back three days later. What are we getting at here? Well, a lot of people saw this movie – but not as many as everyone thinks. Every Christian in the world saw it… because they had to or they would go to hell. Every one of them liked it and said nothing but good things about it. Again, because they had to or they would go to hell. But VERY few non-Christians saw it. So Mel Gibson’s dream of turning hedonists onto the story of Jesus didn’t quite go over as he would have liked. Oh well, maybe next time.

A lot of shit went down this year. Some good, some bad. But one thing is for sure, (oh no! here comes the point to this column!) 2004 is gone. Forever. Bye! See ya!

Folks, we have to move on. Regardless of what happened this year. We have to keep fighting for what we believe in regardless of who sits in the oval office. We have to keep being civil to each other despite the fact that 40% of athletes are on horse steroids. We have to keep our priorities straight, even with the large percentage of whores begging for our attention. And we have to keep an open mind about things that scare us and respect other people’s beliefs and views (unless they are Mormons. Those people are just totally fucked up). If we do this, we’ll be just fine. If we don’t, Bush will send the Army after us and whip us out in the name of Freedom.

Both of us had great years. Some losses, some wins. Some loves, some hates. But dwelling on all that isn’t going to get us anywhere. We have to much important shit to do… like submit another cartoon to the Cartoon Network! So dear readers, have some fantastic holidays and look for big things from the Brothers Bell in the coming year.

See you lovelies in ’05.