What the hell happened to all the miracles?
March 05, 2005

There are a lot of things, we think, that this here world needs – one of those being a crapload more miracles. Seriously, what happened? Like 2000 years ago there was a miracle every other day. Bushes catching on fire. Storms lasting for forty-some days. We need things like that now – in this day and age. Where did they all go? The fact that there are no more miracles leads us to two possibilities. One; there is no god. And um, the other one. Well, hmmm… let’s think.


Hmmmm.


Still thinking.


There is uh… nope, lost it.


Thinking.


Nope, ain’t got another one. But if there was a god, he would need to get off his ass and get down to business. You know who else needs to get off their ass? NASA, that’s who. Why aren’t we living on Mars yet? Jeff bought some Martian land from a guy on the internet and he is still waiting to build. We were promised that when we totally screwed up this planet, we’d get to go live on Mars or at least the moon. Remember Total Recall? Life should be just like that right now. Let’s go you NASA eggheads. We need to set up the Scoop News Mars Office. We need our women with three tits. Let’s get on this people.


Digression in five, four, three, two, one.


At any rate, there are a number of miracles we’d like to see. Miracles that would make life better, if not for the world, at least for us. What would these miracles be you ask? Well, let’s break some down for you.


Everyone associated with the Simpsons (Jessica and Ashlee, not the cartoon) get leprosy. This includes everyone; managers, fathers, husbands, accountants, lot attendants – everyone! They have to be stopped.


It snows for 40 straight days… in Phoenix (What’s that saying? A cold day in Hell?).


Albuquerque gets buried under 100 feet of volcanic ash.


Jennifer Aniston finds solace in one of our arms, it doesn’t matter which, because the other would be charged with setting up the video camera in the shower.


Star Wars Episode three kicks ass. At this point it is a miracle because the last couple just haven’t lived up to our high expectations.


The NHL returns better than ever.


The NBA collapses.


Hollywood execs realize that Vin Diesel is a shitty, shitty actor… and gay.


Now all of these are pretty major miracles, but we aren’t exactly looking for a whole bunch of big changes. While we want the aforementioned miracles to happen, especially the Albuquerque one, we would settle for any combination of the following minor, more personal miracles as well.


Aaron leaves the world of City of Heroes, if only for a little bit, and goes on an honest to God date, with an honest to God woman.


The Scoop softball team wins more than one game this season. Not go undefeated, not even .500, but two wins would be good.


The Scoop gets nominated for a Pulitzer. We don’t care about winning, but a nomination would be nice.


Jeff actually sucks it up and goes to a doctor to fix his back problems instead of sitting around complaining all the time.


After viewing our newly completed masterpiece, A Fanboy Friday Night (available on the Scoop and Sacrilecious.com shortly), Hollywood executives give us 100 million to make our long awaited sci-fi thriller The Ship with a Bunch of Aliens on It.