What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
April 05, 2005

Our dear friend Mike was in town, back from the army, so we really only had one choice – go to Vegas. What follows is our account of the lost weekend, as it was happening unedited and raw, just like Vegas.

Friday – 3:18 a.m.
The road to Vegas is long and fraught with danger. Danger that Jeff, after a long day at work may wreck the rental car. Danger that Kingman will devour us, because after all, it is a black whole. Danger that we get stopped for speeding (because we were).

It wasn’t until about 7 p.m. that we left our little townhouse so time had to be made. Long story short, Jeff had a rough day (as previously stated), Aaron woke up with a hangover and Mike had a mere 72 hours left, before he shipped out.

We flew. Only three hours to The Strip. The rental car, much to Jeff’s delight, did not have a regulator stopping it from going faster than100 mph. It, and by it we mean the car, also had a decent stereo.

100 miles an hour, rockin’ out to Tenacious D, singing like we’ve never sung before, eating beef jerky purchased from a Weird Al fan in Kingman. That our friends – is good times.

Once we got here we soon realized that Mike is on a mission. He wants, nah, needs some action… from the back section. Apparently, there aren’t a lot of women in Baghdad. His mission became our mission. We were going to help Mike by offering our vast knowledge of bad pick-up lines and shitty advice.

Today’s highlight: a chick in a black dress fishing change out of the pools just inside the doors of the Luxor.

Gambling Score: Carl: Even; Mike: Down $80; Aaron: Even; Jeff: Down $50

Saturday – 1:14 a.m.
Operating on four hours sleep. Jeff has done it. Jeff has beat roulette. Granted, this one little victory doesn’t even come close to bringing history even, but he’ll take what he can get.

Today we had all access passes to Celebrity Poker courtesy of Mike’s sister. That was pretty kick ass. The players turned out to be a bunch of TV stars that none of us knew or even really cared to know. Screw TV stars. TV sucks.

We also did the little Star Trek thing in the Hilton, just cause. While there, we noticed a couple of things:

  • Security in the future sucks
  • Force fields also suck in the future and the rules of said force fields are inconsistent
  • Jeff screams like a girl
  • No one likes water and air sprayed into their face – except people from Arkansas
  • Getting smashed at Quark’s bar is fucking expensive
  • Four jackasses (us) shouting ““We are Klingon”“ is only funny three times
  • Star Trek history is really convoluted

We also got poked in the asses by Borgs. You will just have to take our word for it on this one.

Oh, and after countless attempts, Mike finally got a girl to say ‘hi’ back to him.

Today’s highlight: Seeing Dave Foley in person
Gambling Score: Carl: Down 30; Mike: Down 280; Aaron: Up 20; Jeff: Down 40

Saturday – 2:30 a.m.
The fellowship has been broken. Where the hell is Carl? No one knows. Jeff should have stopped while he was ahead, roulette is no longer his bitch.

We will check back in once Carl is found/bailed out.

Gambling Score: Carl: MIA; Mike: Down 280; Aaron: Up 130; Jeff: Down 80

Saturday – 3:20 a.m.
Mike clogged up the toilet with a watermelon sized poop. Now the hotels maintenance guy is on his way up to fix it. We were able to locate Carl. The mystery of the dice game had caught his fancy and we located him chest up to a craps table. Apparently craps is easy and Carl is now back to even ground. The rest of us decide to learn craps tomorrow.

Gambling Score: Carl: Even; Mike: Down 280; Aaron: Up 130; Jeff: Down 60

Saturday – 7:21 p.m.
Operating on a total of 8 hours sleep since we arrived. This record also marks the first time we’ve checked in during the p.m. hours. We are getting ready to head to the Palms to see more celebrities and meet up with Mike’s sister for diner. Good times.

Today we learned craps and tonight we practice, after we drop off Mike at the airport. Mike flies out at midnight. Sad times.

This afternoon we filmed a couple new Scoop News auditions featuring Mike and Carl. Mike drank a glass of water in a really sexy way and Carl tried a really difficult dance move. Good times.

Today’s highlight: Nodding knowingly to Kevin Neelan
Gambling Score: Carl: Down 140; Mike: Down 350; Aaron: Up 140; Jeff: Down 60

Sunday – 4:13 a.m.
Lots of gambling. Hard gambling. Met up with some friends from Flagstaff. Blackjack seems to be eluding Jeff but treating Aaron well.

Craps… craps kicks ass. Thanks to that delightful dice game, Jeff is up today. Aaron doesn’t like craps that much. He is down now thanks to the same game.

Took a taxi from Paris to the Excalibur. Had to take two cabs because of some bullshit rule that only 5 people can be in one cab. Fuck that rule. So… two taxis it was. We told our driver that we’d give him 10 bucks if he beat the other taxi to the hotel. That was a bad idea. He took off like a bat out of hell and almost killed us.

He also asked the following questions:
"You guys partying? You guys getting high tonight?"
"What’s with those girls? They on X or what?"
"You gonna take them back to your rooms for a party?"

This leaves us to wonder just what the hell this guys sees on a daily basis that leads him to jump to these conclusions right away. Las Vegas is fucking weird.

Gambling Score: Carl: Down 200; Aaron: Down 60; Jeff: Up 40

Sunday – 11:12 a.m.
We are leaving. The car is packed and the bellies full. We leave now to return to our lives and return the car to the rental place. This was a bitter sweet vacation. Spending time with Mike in Vegas was unforgettable – seeing him leave and say goodbye to both us and his sister was one of the saddest moments in recent history.

Come back soon Mike, he still have shit to do.