Let's Stop All the Crazy Talk
October 05, 2005

It’s 2005. The year is 2005 and we as humans have come a long, long way. We (and when "we" say we, we of course mean humanity) have sent a robot to explore another planet. We know where rain comes from. We can alter the genes of humans and clone animals. We can carry entire libraries in our pockets. We know what is in the center of the Earth. We have tiny, portable boxes that we can talk into and people on the other side of the world can hear us and communicate back. We (this "we" is actually in reference to Jeff and Aaron) don’t actually have one of those little boxes and everyone they know keeps harassing us to get one, especially when we show up late – which is often. When we do show up late we have to listen to "you could have called and told us you were running late if you had a cell phone" for about the next 45 minutes. Our response is typically "cell phones are for chicks" but because most of the people we know are women that response doesn’t always fly.

Cell phones, while amazing, just aren’t for us and this whole topic is a digression.

What we are trying to say is look how far we’ve come in the time us humans have been walking around. All these things we know and all things we’ve created. So isn’t about time we drop the whole God thing? Yes it is.

He doesn’t exist folks. We hate to bring you into the 21st Century but God is about as real as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or a Pamela Anderson’s tits. Come to think of it, if there was a God, isn’t it just as likely that it could be one of those things? How kick ass would a Santa Claus God be? When you got to heaven and instead of angels there were little midgets making toys for you. The first thing Jeff would ask for is that G.I. Joe Aircraft carrier from the 80s. That thing was so fucking dope you could smoke it!

But there is no Santa God and this is another digression.

As all these debates over holy wars, abortion, right to die and evolution happen around us we just sit there and think to ourselves "aren’t you all gonna be surprised when you do all this work and you still don’t go to heaven." There is no heaven or hell. It’s make believe. Stories that you tell children to scare them into being good people. Yeah, that’s done well so far. Hitler, Rasputin, Dick Cheney – they all believe(d) in God and everyone of them is(was) a fucker and a shitty person.

It’s funny how we look at all the other religions, even the ones we refer to as "mythology" and automatically discount what they have to say because it’s not in the book we read. "That Muslim guy can’t be right because my book (the one written by a bunch of people who were scared to disappoint a king) says that God is a white guy." And that is true. Not the part about God being white mind you, but the part about the king. The King James Bible was paid for and written for King James – hence the name. The people he had write that took the existing text and interpreted it to fit his specifications. Yes there are more "true" interpretations out there but a lot of shit in all versions of The Bible has been proven to never exist or even possible of happening. So all these whack jobs walking around quoting this book as fact need to take a long hard look at themselves… and find a new book. May we suggest "A Night Without Armor : Poems" by Jewel. Good reading.

Even if there was a God, he’d be doing a shitty job. If there was a God we should campaign to impeach his lazy ass. Replace him with someone better suited for the job like Zeus or Rambo. How cool would that be, having Rambo as God? He would kick ass and take no names. All up in a heaven that looks like a jungle, popping caps in the asses of anyone who doesn’t believe in him. Hell, we bet that Rambo God would let bad people into heaven just so that he could hunt them for sport. Rambo God would be totally cool like that.

But again, there isn’t a God – despite how much we want there to be.

Want more proof? We (back to the Aaron and Jeff version of "we") are still alive. With all the shit we’ve done, said and thought, well, God would have removed us from the Earth a long time ago. A God would know what we’ve got comin’ down the pipes. God would know about The Tardy Boys. You, dear readers don’t know about the Tardy Boys yet… but you will.

So what do you say world? How about we give living in 2005 a shot and drop this God mumbo-jumbo? There… don’t you feel better already?