God damn. And we seriously mean god damn. Was it just us or was 2005 the shortest year in history. It seems like just yesterday we were saying to our selves "god damn. Is it just us or was 2004 the shortest year in history."
At any rate, here we are – on the cusp of a brand year. A new year full of empty promises and failed resolutions. Jeff’s resolution of creating a giant, man-hunting, killer robot with lasers for eyes will likely not come true for the 20th year in a row. At some point it will though. And then all those sonsofbitches that said he’d never do it or called him "Bubblebut" will be sorry. Oh yes, they will be sorry. Jeff will be there standing on the shoulder of the giant robot laughing as the pathetic worms cower and run from their impending doom. Oh yes, it will happen and it will be glorious.
Damn, only a couple days into the new year and we’ve already had a dozy of a digression. Oh well
there goes another resolution.
What we had hoped to accomplish with this column was your run of the mill remember the past year type thing but when we sat down to think of all the wonderful, adventurous, terrible, frightening, enlightening moments of 2005 we quickly realized that neither of us has the mental capacity to maintain memories outside of a three month time period. So, what we have here is
Jeff and Aaron’s Favorite Moments of (the fourth quarter of) 2005
Between the two of us there was approximately 25 days of hospital visits and overnight stays. That’s probably about 24 more than any other year in our combined history. You know what’s great about hospitals? Nothing. People are fucking dying in there. Why would anyone go in there? Have you seen the walking corpses cruising the halls of those places. Seriously, screw hospitals man. We’re never going in another one as long as we live. Aaron is one whole foot less of a man because of a well documented (link) hospital stay.
We also finished and submitted another cartoon for Cartoon Network to reject. We haven’t heard from Cartoon Network yet but, we’re pretty sure they aren’t going to buy it. Damn shame too because it was a beauty of a show. You see it starred to retarded kids
wait, hold on, listen to the rest before you pass judgment. You see, these two retarded kids solved mysteries. Only the mysteries they encountered wouldn’t be considered mysteries for, well, non-retarded people, like where does poop go and who is "Mongo Lloyd." Ok, maybe it is as bad as you first thought but really, you know us better than that. Surely you didn’t expect us to create the next Telletubies. Although the people who came up with that show are on SERIOUSLY strong drugs.
Jeff flew cross-country with one of his girlfriends best friends (and without his girlfriend) to see a hockey game. During the trip, Jeff also found out that he doesn’t take well to Codeine – especially a lot of Codeine. Although he still maintains that the hush-puppies had something to do with the hallucinations.
Los Angeles proved to be entertaining for an entire weekend. Aaron and Jeff’s girlfriend, Patti, got a little buzzed at Medieval Times and yelled at guys riding horses and fighting for the honor of some chick in a luxury suite. We also learned, during this same trip, only in a different location, that a log ride on a 50 degree day with 30 mile-an-hour winds is a bad idea. A seriously fun idea, but still a bad idea.
We saw some damn fine concerts, John Vanderslice and MC Chris sanding out. During one concert we even got to listen to four 19-year-old girls scream "Oh my god! I love this song" during every song played. Jeff made fun of them to the point that they actually stopped but their boyfriends were a little to intimidated by our size and appearance to actually to make an issue out of it. All in all, a good show.
Let’s see, what else happened in the last couple months of 2005 that we can remember? There was that whole hurricane thing happening down in the south but we weren’t there so we don’t really have anything to say about it
other then that the people of this country obviously weren’t praying hard enough because god still tore New Orleans a new one. One might think that with all the praying amounting to nothing that maybe there isn’t a god – or at least there isn’t a Christian god. But why would we think that when terrorists want to stop our freedom?
other things that happened. Jeff tried to learn French but quit because it was way too fucking hard. We paid some strippers 90 dollars to assault a friend of ours. Aaron got drunk – really, really drunk – at a sales meeting and got lost in Phoenix. Two speeding tickets, one for each of us. Many hockey games. The discovery of Star Wars Attacktix, which has caused us to spend hundreds of dollars on little Star Wars guys that shoot rockets at each other. Aaron getting out of the hospital only to drive to San Diego the next week for a Comic Book convention. Jeff got a cape. Aaron took two separate women a wedding and the following reception.
We are anticipating 2006 to be more of the same but if it’s not
well, you’ll hear about it.