Oh Canada!
February 05, 2006

We just got back from Canada and we have a couple things to say about our neighbors to the North – you guys are all right by us. In fact, we are both considering new career opportunities in Canada and moving to either Toronto or Ottawa. So if you are reading this and you are Canadian and you have a well paying job for either of us, email us and we’ll send you our resume.

We’d like to make a quick disclaimer before we get to far into this and we get 100 emails accusing us of hating the United States. We don’t hate the United States. We love this country. Sometimes we just want something different. We feel like us and the U.S. are growing apart and headed in two separate directions. Look, we don’t know how everything will work out… we just need a break. That’s all we are saying. A trial separation to get our shit together and see if this is worth continuing. Before we commit to one country, we just want to see what else is out there. It will be hard for both of us but we need to do this.

But that’s a digression better left for a message left on a cell phone.

Why do we like Canada so much? That’s easy. Hockey. Everywhere. Every time you turn on the TV you can find one or more of the following on at least one quarter of the available channels; a hockey game, highlights of previous games, interviews with players or coaches, guys with mullets talking about hockey and hockey stars in commercials. Another reason we love it so is because it’s cold as… well, it’s colder than anything you could imagine.

Of course that those aren’t the only reasons to like Canada, just two of our biggest. For those that think we are crazy for wanting to give up the easy-going lives we have in the States for uncertainty in the North, here are more reasons we have to ditch out and move to Canada.

No fat chicks: This isn’t exactly true, but pretty damn close. The fat content there is way, way down and we aren’t just talking chicks (you see, we used that ““no fat chicks”“ term because it’s stupid and makes us laugh). Sure there were a few people that could stand to lose a few pounds, but the morbidly obese men and women that you see all over the place in the States are pretty much non existent. Another thing we did not see, which does apply only to women (or chicks) and we see unfortunately far too often in the States is weight inappropriate wardrobes. Heavy girls (fat chicks) in clothes that really, really should not be worn by them, let alone anyone else. If there is body fat squeezing out of seems and in between clothing DO NOT WEAR IT! You all know what we are talking about and if not, run on down to Wal-Mart and check it out.

No Jesus stickers: The only stickers we saw were stickers about hockey. And being Canadian. But we’ll get into that a bit more later. People in Canada seem to be secure with their beliefs and don’t feel the need to validate them through stickers on their car. No Jesus fish. No anti-war stickers. No pro-life stickers. Just license plates. In general this just boils down to the fact that Canadians are more respectful of philosophical differences… unless you are a Canadians fan in Toronto.

Blue Jeans: Everywhere. Seriously, blue jeans are to Canada what khakis are to the States. Everybody, man or woman, is wearing blue jeans. It’s casual Friday everyday in Canada. And none of those fancy jeans either. Canada wears just regular, old-fashioned blue jeans.

Let people in when you signal: No one in the States that reads this will understand because they haven’t seen it in 20 years. When you turn on a blinker, signaling that you would like to change lanes, the kind people of Canada let you through. Yeah… that totally doesn’t make sense to anyone because when you turn your blinker on in the States, that lets the other drivers know your plan, therefore allowing them to thwart your attempt at a lane change. It took us all a very long time to get use to it. But we were good, we only cut off like two or three people.

City rivalry through hockey game, not hockey fans: We don’t know if you have been to a professional sports game recently but if you have then you have seen some drunk bastards, representing different teams, fighting (or at least coming very close to fighting). Those guys are total dipshits. All of them. But those guys are also not in Canada. Sure everyone gets drunk but none of them start fights. The most serious threat we heard at any of the three hockey games we attended was "Yeah! Well we’ll win next time… maybe."

Canadian pride: Canadian people are all about being Canadian. They wear hats, sweatshirts and have bumper stickers, all proclaiming their love of their country. They all sing the national anthem, all of them. And this isn’t the fake, post 9/11 patriotism that most of America went through. These people are just so damn happy to be Canadian that it’s almost contagious. And it’s not just the people. Everywhere you look there’s maple leafs. On every building, on every sign, there’s a maple leaf. Hell, even McDonald’s has one smack dab in the center of its logo. When was the last time you heard of Micky D’s altering its famous golden arches? Only in Canada. But in case you were wondering, the McDonald’s food in Canada still tastes like shit.

French frogies: Yeah, there were a lot of French people in Canada, especially in Montreal. Well, actually in all of Quebec. Seriously, the second we crossed the border between Ontario and Quebec, everything turned all Frenchy. Getting gas in a French speaking gas station without anyone in the car understanding French is an experience we highly recommend. Hilarity will always ensue.

Simpsons: Seriously, "The Simpsons" is on like 15 times a day. That rules. It’s even on in French. That’s not all that great for non-French speaking people, but still pretty cool. For some reason Canadians just really associate with a dysfunctional family that includes a mentally handicapped father, a meddlesome mother, a troublemaker, a smart-ass and a silent baby.

Shit and boobs on TV: In Canada, you can say ““shit”“ and ““fuck,”“ show some tits on TV and no one says a damn thing. Coincidentally, the crime rate in Canada is miniscule compared to the US. Hmmm… kinda puts that three-year-long "wardrobe malfunction" controversy in perspective doesn’t it? Well, it should.

Beer: We aren’t quite sure but from what we gather, the legal drinking age in Canada is eight. Everyone drinks beer and tons of it. What makes this different from the U.S. is that it’s about double the price. At the hockey games, a small (very small) beer was eight bucks. Granted that’s Canadian money but still… more than we’d ever pay for a beer. Molson and Labat are totally screwing their fellow Canadians.

So as you can plainly see, Canada is pretty kick ass. When we get all set up we’ll send you all a house warming party invitation. Bring beer though because it’s fucking expensive in Canada.