Jeffrey Christ?
March 05, 2006

We think it’s time we address something that people have been asking us for, oh, about a year now. Nary a day goes by that we don’t hear "Is Jeff Jesus?" The truth is we don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. If he is Jesus then that would both kick-ass and kinda suck at the same time. Kick-ass because that’s a free ticket to heaven but suck because Jeff is pretty damn sure that heaven doesn’t exist. But then again, if it did, Jeff would be like George Clooney up there. Everyone would want to be his friend and he could do what ever he wanted. All that has been pretty much the opposite for much of Jeff’s life so the Jesus thing would be totally new and totally cool. But then again, if Jeff was Jesus, would he believe in himself? There is the rub.

Aaron would have it pretty cool either way because no line would ever work better at a bar than "Hey, my brother’s Jesus. If you go home with me I’ll put in a good word for you." That would be much better than his current line "My spider-sense is tingling… want to touch it?" Last time he tried that one a girl kneed him in the nuts and then poured her whisky sour over his head. And believe us, that was a good night.

At least he got a free drink and a digression out of it.

So, to settle this once and for all, let’s take a look at the facts and come up with our own hypothesis. Remember that old comparison between the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln? We’re aiming for something similar but this is serious and not some conspiracy theorist dogma… or is it?

Let’s break it down.

The look: According to the pictures in our Book of Mormon (the one true book) Jesus had blue eyes and long wavy brown hair. Jeff has blue eyes and wavy brown hair.

The Sandals: Jesus wore nothing but sandals. Jeff owns two pair of sandals, and has been known to wear them when the mood strikes.

The tattoos: When Jesus turned 25 he got a tribal band tattoo on his arm. When Jeff was 25 he thought about getting a tattoo but waited a year before he did it because he was scared it would hurt.

The name: Both Jesus and Jeff have a first name, middle initial and last name: Jesus H. Christ, Jeffrey A. Bell. It’s only a plus that both start with "Je."

The birth: Both Jesus and Jeff were born. Jesus was born on December 25th, supposedly. Jeff was born on November 4th, again, supposedly. This is the day that we celebrate Jeff’s birthday, but Aaron is pretty sure that the date is closer to September 9th. There’s no logic behind this assumption, right now it’s just a theory.

The Parents: Both Jesus and Jeff had a mother and a father.

The miracles: Jesus turned water into wine. Jeff prefers water to wine. Jesus healed the sick while Jeff laughs at the sick until they either get better or die. Jesus walked on water. Jeff really likes the song "Walk On the Ocean" by Toad the Wet Sprocket.

The Mary M. connection: Jesus had a fondness for a particular hooker named Mary. Jeff once saw a movie where a hooker named Mary got killed and Jeff felt sorry for her… but only for a little while. She was a hooker after all and therefore doesn’t count as a real person.

The Apostles: Jesus had 12 apostles that helped him spread the word of his gospel. Jeff thinks 12 is a little ostentatious so he keeps his number around two.

The death: Jesus died at the age of 33 after being nailed to a piece of wood. Jeff hopes to still be able to nail chicks with his wood at the age of 33. Remember kids while laser pointers may be cool now, we don’t know the long term effects to constant genital exposure.

Religion: Jesus started a religious revolution. Jeff hopes his religion "Sexentology" will take off allowing him to gather his disciples for some "special" punch in 2008.

So there you have it, the decision is now up to you. Just keep in mind that if Jeff is indeed Jesus, you bitches better start giving him his props now or there will be hell to pay. Literally.