Last month’s column sparked a fever of discussions that we truly didn’t anticipate – mostly regarding Jeff’s new religion of Sexintology. A lot of people (and by a lot, we mean like 15) are interested in hearing more about this fascinating new religion. And why wouldn’t they? It’s a damn fine way to live if we do say so ourselves. Much better than that crazy ass Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints stuff. Seriously, those Mormons believe in some bizarre shit. Did you know that Mormons believe that if a man (not woman) is good and righteous enough, they don’t go to heaven? Instead though, they actually get their very own planet to be their own god. It’s true
look it up. Now we look at that and think to ourselves ‘that’s pretty fucking cool.’ The bad thing is you have to do a bunch of really stupid crap to get your own planet – stuff that we just aren’t willing to do. Like not drink alcohol or caffeine, not swear and give 10% of everything you make to the church. Fuck that shit. Life’s too short to be sober, lame and poor.
But that’s a digression better left for a rainy day or a visit by Mormon missionaries.
So let’s take a moment and spell this Sexintology thing all out for everyone. Give our gospel if you will. And at the end, if you feel like this is something you want to follow-up on, we’ll give you the contact information for the church headquarters located in our garage.
Much like Jewish and Christian religions, Sexintology has 10 basic rules and responsibilities. While those other religions call them the "10 Commandments," we call ours the "10 Rules for Sexing." These rules are pretty self-explanatory and are as follows:
10. – Do not talk about Sexintology
9. – Do not talk about Sexintology
8. – Only two "Fight Club" references per day
7. – Thou shall not Kill other people unless they totally deserve it, like that guy who cut you off this morning on your way to work or the guy who put tomatoes in you burrito even though you specifically asked for no tomatoes. Is that too hard to understand? No fucking tomatoes means no fucking tomatoes
6. – If this is your first night, you have to fight. Shit, we mean, um, wow, this is hard. The angle of the dangle is proportionate to the hang in the wang?
5. – Thou shall try to score as often as possible
4. – No fat chicks. Just kidding, everyone is welcome. Except the Albanians
3. – Lusting after your neighbor and/or their shit is totally cool, just don’t make it obvious
2. – Thou shall not wear thy baseball hat other than straight forward or straight backwards
1. – Thou shall not believe in Sexintology
Of course these are all important but none more so than that last one there. The best part about Sexintology is that you don’t even have to believe in Sexintology to be a member! So if your friends or family are into the religion and you aren’t (or vice versa) then it doesn’t matter because technically, everyone is a Sexintologist – except the Albanians. There’s no need for missionaries or holy wars because it doesn’t matter. Along those same lines, there is no church so you will never feel guilty about not going. Oh, and there is no boring-ass book of fairy-tales that you have to read either. Reading is stupid and no one does it anymore anyhow.
But like all other churches, there are some things that Sexintology requires from its members. All members must go through the initiation ceremony (involving 32 pounds of butter and a "spanking machine") and after they have been "committed," each member may be required to supply the church a copy of video of themselves
you know, doing it. And by it we mean rule five. But that rule only applies to what we in the church call "Hotties." It will be up to Church Leaders (us) to determine who is a "Hottie" and who is an "Eww." Those that are "Eww" can just send us like coupons for KFC or something. Truth is, we really don’t care about those that are not "Hotties."
So there you have it fellow Sexintologists. We present to you an enlightened view of the world. What you do with this knowledge is certainly up to you, but we highly recommend reviewing rule five again. And remember; only two "Fight Club" jokes per conversation.