Definitions to Live By
June 05, 2006

Name calling is one of America’s most popular past times. Not only is it fun but it also hurts people – although that pain is only manifested emotionally. We know the old adage goes "sticks and stones blah, blah, blah," but imagine for a second what this world would be like if words did actual physical damage. Like if you called someone a ‘dick’ and all of a sudden they turned into a walking, talking penis. Or if ‘bitch’ turned people into dogs or ‘fucker’… well, that one probably wouldn’t get used any more. If words did physically hurt, that dick from "American Idol" and Rush Limbaugh would be mass murderers.

But that digression is all we will ever spend discussing that douche bag from "American Idol."

Although we advocate very strongly for the art of name calling, we do have some social responsibilities. We hold our selves responsible for defining and correcting the use of a handful of names that we hold dear. Granted, these names have been around for a long ass time, but that’s no reason to miss use them.

The words we take ownership of are ‘dork,’ ‘geek,’ ‘nerd,’ and ‘loser.’ The holy quadrangle if you will.

You see, these names are sacred to us because we happen to be all of them. Not just one of them. All of them. We don’t mean that as a self depreciating attempt at humor, we mean that we are, as defined, card carrying members of each of those groups. And one thing we just hate to see is those words thrown around incorrectly and haphazardly without any regard for the titles and those unlucky bastards that fall under them.

That and if you are going to compare us to someone, we’d better have a say in it.

So to make the name calling waters clear again, we offer these definitions of ‘dork,’ ‘geek,’ ‘nerd,’ and ‘loser.’

A dork will likely be found wearing a superhero shirt sitting on the couch (somewhere in their parent’s house) reading a comic book. The personal space of a Dork will feature numerous action figures adorning the walls and shelves – some posed, but most still in the original package. A Dork can debate at length the various aspects of the comic book world, including which comic book babe is the hottest, who would win in a fight between Wolverine and Batman and which of Spider-Man’s costumes was the ugliest. A Dork can count on one hand the number of dates he’s been on with a real person. Identified by the Cheeto stains on his/her fingers, a Dork only bathes on Wednesdays, which is also the day new comic books hit stores. A Dork spends a fair amount of time on the internet, usually looking at porn or bitching about comics and movies on any number of message boards. A Dork has very little social skills and can often be found in the corner of any given room mumbling to themselves.

Similar to a Dork, a Geek will be found wearing a Star Wars shirt sitting on the couch (possibly in his own apartment) reading a science fiction book or comic book. Numerous action figures adorn the walls and shelves, however these action figures are almost exclusively Star Wars and or Star Trek related. A Geek knows a lot about many different pop culture things, but can debate at length, and will, about one specific topic, generally Star Wars. Geeks go on many dates, and even have a few relationships, but those relationships typically don’t last after the 5th viewing of "The Phantom Menace." A Geek considers himself/herself to be technology personified. Geeks (think they) know everything about computers and in the rare occasion (which actually isn’t that rare, but they think it is) a Geek will ignore all advice and muddle around until the problem either goes away on its own or the person with the problem simply stops asking. A Geek has a serious addiction to Mountain Dew and bathes on a semi regular basis. Geeks own at least two video game systems as well as a kick ass computer, a piece of shit computer that is kept around for no real reason and a veritable plethora of spare parts. Many Geek hours are spent on the internet learning about new technologies (but only at a very high level as Geeks don’t have time for details, nor do they truly understand them), as well as looking at porn. A Geek has absolutely no social skills and generally thinks everyone else is retarded. Paid well through technology-esque jobs, the Geek often talks in code with other Geeks in the back corner of any given room. A Geek quotes movies almost non-stop.

Wearing a shirt with some psuedo-ironic slogan on it, a Nerd can be found sitting on the couch reading something they have already read because they are too lazy to actually go somewhere and get something new to read. A Nerd typically looks down on others for their lack of intelligence, especially after making a comment that no one else but the Nerd would understand. Has had a few dates, and often is engaged in a steady relationship, with another Nerd. Nerds have jobs that they hate but don’t have the experience or drive to get a job that pays well. Nerds spend most free time on the computer, playing MMORPGs, on various message boards delivering political rants or looking at porn. Because Nerds are broke, they tend to have very little money to go outside their apartment. Everything they own is old and handed down. Nerds have no social skills (except when dealing with other Nerds) and therefore huddle in the back of the room while complaining about the temperature of the room and the choice of music.

A Loser is a combination of the previous three types. A Loser is nothing more than a Dork, Nerd and Geek all wrapped up into one, tight little package. A Loser can tell you what the HTML tag for blinking text is while reading a comic book and wearing a T-shirt that says "My other shirt is also a shirt." A Loser usually has a website where they spend more time than they should delivering satire (sometimes unsuccessfully) and diatribes about what it’s like to be out of the mainstream. Losers also drive Vespa scooters. Blue ones in fact. Losers do have relationships but are usually too busy keeping up on all things Dork, Geek and Nerd to give their significant other the time they deserve. Losers are good writers but their grammar and spelling are usually off, but they really don’t care. Losers have poor social skills and tend to shy away from rooms that contain people.

So now that we have defined all these names for you, we implore you to use them correctly. When referring to Bill Gates, call him a Geek. When referring to Kevin Smith, call him a Dork. When referring to your English Professor, call him a Nerd. When referring to us… um, call us… call us Gods.

Now you know and knowing is half the battle. See, all you dorks and some of you geeks out there get that one.