Welcome aboard and thank you for flying ScoopAir. Please pay attention to the overhead monitors for important safety information.
We’ve spent as ass-load of time in airplanes, crisscrossing this little blue ball of ours, this year that we have honestly started to lose track of where we’ve been. We are just over half way through the year and things don’t look to be slowing down as there are at least four more trips in store for each of us. When all is said and done, come December 31, between the two of us we will have traveled well over 60,000 miles. Our calendars look like U2’s tour diary. In fact, we have started calling all this traveling The Scoop News World Tour 2006. T-shirts will be forthcoming. The dates on the back will look something like this:
January – Toronto, Ottawa
February – Montreal
March – Albuquerque, Sante Fe
April – Miami
May – Um
June – Portland, Seattle
July – Vancouver, San Diego, Denver
August – Frankfurt, Heidelberg (Germany), San Diego
September – Washington D.C., Atlanta, Willmington
October – Portland
November – Orlando, New York
December – Denver
This year the Brothers Bell will see a million faces and confuse them all.
With all that flying, all those crossing lines in the back of the inflight magazine, we’ve come to realize some things about traveling. Don’t worry dear readers, this isn’t a diatribe of how much airline food sucks – comedians in the 80’s pretty much fleshed that topic out. Speaking of comedians, what the hell is up with Dane Cook? At some point America got confused and switched their comedic focus from Gallagher to Dane Cook. He’s selling out stadiums. We remember when he was that annoying guy in the Smash Mouth video. Maybe it’s the sex appeal. We wish we had sex appeal. That would kick ass. Maybe then we could sell out stadiums and people would pay 40 bucks to listen to us talk about putting our pinkies in women’s naughty holes.
But that’s a digression and has nothing to do with airplane food.
Flying in an airplane is a serious (and literal) pain in the ass. Depending on who tried to blow up and when directly affects just how much flying will suck. Recently some douche bags tried to blow up some planes using Gatorade and some toothpaste. First of all, when the hell did Gatorade become an explosive catalyst?
At any rate, you can’t take any liquids or gels on planes right now. So what the hell are frat guys and chicks from New Jersey supposed to do with their hair? Casualties of the war against terror we suppose.
Putting all our recent experience to proper use, we’ve come up with some tips to help all our wonderful readers fly the friendly skies hassle free. Do keep in mind that these tips are not necessarily endorsed by the FAA
mostly because the FAA hates you and they enjoy watching you die of dehydration in uncomfortable seats while chocking down terrible food.
Tip 1 – Wear an ass-load of perfume/cologne. This will cover up any stench of liquor as you get on the plane loaded to the gills on airport martinis.
Tip 2 – Anal cavities are underused as transport methods. Shoving bottles up your but is a great way to get through security if you just bought a really expensive bottle of wine and don’t want security to confiscate it.
Tip 3 – Bring your own snacks because airplane food… no, we won’t go there.
Tip 4 – Bring your own movie. Face it, the movie they are going to show you, if they even show you a movie, is going to be a shitty one. So bring your own. Movies about doomed airplanes and softcore porn are always great options. Hard core porn will work in a pinch if no softcore is immediately available.
Tip 5 – Get really fucking drunk before you get on the plane. Get drunk past the point of obnoxious and just shy of passing out
so you can pass out on the plane. It makes the flight fly by (pun intended).
Tip 6 – Dress comfortably. This may or may not include pants. It’s really up to you.
Tip 7 – Old, white people are scared of everything. EVERYTHING. So if you are not one of those people, do your best to look non-threatening and non-ethnic. If you are anything but white, you will likely be mistaken for a terrorist. Never underestimate the ability of old, white people to be confused and frightened.
Tip 8 – Blankets can and do hide masturbation.
Tip 9 – The people sitting next to you are going to be really interested in what you are doing so make sure you are doing something really interesting
like looking at crime scene photos.
Tip 10 – Have your plane identity worked out before you board. No one likes the life they come from so plane rides are a great way to pretend you are someone worth talking to.
With these tips, any traveler should be OK flying around the world. So make sure you print these out before you get on your next plane.
You may now move about the cabin.