One of the worst things (there are many mind you) to ever happen to white people is the creation of Modern Bride magazine. That dumb-ass magazine has taken an event that should be nothing more than a big ball of fun wrapped up in a sheath of hedonism and made it a horribly wretched ceremony of banality and pretentiousness. We’ve been to a ton (sometimes literally) of weddings in the recent past and we now can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that attending a wedding is far worse and more of a painful experience than having surgery.
Again, as we do with every column we write, we have to take a moment for some clarification. We have nothing against the “institution” of marriage. Not at all. In fact, we both see our selves getting married at some point along this crazy ride called life. We just think some lame-ass people (especially the well-to-do ones) have fucked it all up. They’ve made it shitty and damn near unbearable.
What we, the people, need to do is take back control of the wedding. We need to tell those spoiled, snobby, elitist bitches that run Modern Bride (and those like it) to shove their “dos and don’ts” up their ass and relax. And by this “we,” Aaron and Jeff (the other “we”) are just talking to all the women out there. We are talking to the women because most guys couldn’t really give a shit about weddings – and we can’t blame them.
Some guys do care though. The last wedding we went to wasn’t really that bad and that’s primarily because the guy planned the bulk of the wedding so much of the Modern Bride madness was left out. The really only unbearable thing about that wedding was that it took place in the South – Atlanta to be exact. Going to the South is like going back in time to 1950. Over the course of three days (which felt like 15 because time in the South slows to a crawl) we were offered an 18-year-old as our future bride, witnessed a 25-year-old get harassed because she was not married yet, heard the “N” word used by racist white people, told not to go to certain areas because they were primarily black neighborhoods, heard Clinton referred to as “the worst President ever” by people who are obviously not paying attention, and heard that a practicing democrat will soon become republican because she will soon start paying taxes (and presumably realize she’s white). We also saw more khaki pants than we previously knew existed. Why are republicans so fond of khaki pants? Do you get khaki pants when you register to vote republican? Does the color khaki remind republicans something? Seriously, we don’t know. We aren’t fans of the whole khaki thing and we aren’t republicans so we honestly don’t have any idea.
But all khaki aside, let’s end this digression and get back to the issue at hand.
We need to make weddings fun again. They should be celebrations filled with drinking, drug use, loud music and sex with strangers (except of course the bride and groom who only get to have sex with each other… for the rest of their lives… unless they get divorced or have hot secretaries). There should be animals frolicking in ponds full of vodka not candy coated nuts at each table. There should be people passed out all over the place not a ceremony is a stuffy old church. Drapes should be soaked in urine, table clothes soaked in blood, carpet splattered with vomit not matching colors everywhere you look. There should be loose women with even looser standards dancing with men that are too drunk to care instead of old people doing the chicken dance. Cameras should not be allowed into any room for fear of later blackmail not available for any jackass to take pictures of the bride and groom. At least one person should die (by sacrifice, accident, or heart attack) at a wedding… that’s how much fun it should be.
So let’s do it – let’s take back weddings, but to do so, we have to have a plan. Firstly, screw having your wedding in a church. No one believes in that superstitious mumbo jumbo anymore. Have it somewhere kick-ass and exciting. In our opinion the only place to hold your wedding is in Las Vegas at the Las Vegas Hilton on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise. That’s right people, we’re talking “Star Trek” here. Now we’re by no means Trekies. In fact Aaron hates “Star Trek” while Jeff is rather indifferent to it. It’s the novelty of the idea that intrigues us here. How much cooler is the Enterprise than some lame ass church? A million. Having the wedding somewhere fun and exciting (or excessively dorky) will allow every one attending the opportunity to celebrate without feeling guilty. Nothing kills a buzz like a giant statue of a dead guy nailed to a chunk of wood staring at you.
Next up on the axe list is the traditional wedding garb. Screw the expensive dresses and tuxes. If you’re going to spend that much money on something, why not get something that you can wear over, and over again? That’s why you should invest in a costume. Instead of a tux, get a Jedi robe complete with lightsaber. All your grooms men? Easy, Stormtroopers. Throw in a Slave Leia costume for the bride and traditional Leia outfits for bridesmaids. You don’t even need to worry if you’re not a “Star Wars” fan. Have a “Lord of the Rings” wedding. A “Matrix” theme. Hell, we’d kill to have a Muppett wedding. The groom could be Dr. Teeth and the bride could be Animal. Very nice! The only costumes that should not be allowed are NASCAR costumes. Two NASCAR fans should not be allowed to wed and produce children. In fact, they should all be neutered.
Next, skip the DJ. DJs are lame and they only want to score with lonely bridesmaids so really, you don’t need one. Just load all your favorite songs into an iPod and rock out with your cocks out. No matter how many times a DJ promises that he won’t play the chicken dance, he will. So ditch him. Your alcoholic uncle has more personality so give him the mic and let him introduce everyone… or just ramble about how his ex-wife just married another NASCAR fan.
Lastly, don’t take it so god damned seriously. Do a shot once the vows are read. The whole wedding party should get a tattoo of the happy couple on their chests. Give everyone paintball guns and let them shoot the bride and groom. Rig at least two things to explode at some point during the ceremony. Do any of this stuff and the wedding will be the best day of your life. Until you get married again in a couple years to someone more attractive.
And one more thing. If the next wedding we are invited to comes in a pretty little envelope with tissue paper inside and an R.S.V.P. card, we aren’t going. Unless the invitation is shaped like a Stormtroper and/or has various unidentified stains on it.