Stalking and the Stalkee
November 01, 2006

We now know, as of this very moment, that we are famous. We have made it to the big time. We are where it’s at and you know what? It feels pretty damn good. “About time” we might even say if we weren’t so humble.

How do we know this? What event has catapulted us into the world of celebrity? Well, the answer is pretty simple – and it’s not because the guys that make “Frisky Dingo” on Adult Swim totally ripped us off. Nope it’s not that at all, even though the bastards did rip us off. You see, just recently we discovered that one of us has a stalker. Now, we don’t want to say which of us has the stalker and we don’t want to say who (or what) the stalker is because we don’t want to jinx the whole thing. When an opportunity like this falls in your lap, you have to be careful. Because this is in the early stages, if the stalker finds out that we know that they are stalking us, said stalker may get scared and run off. If that happened then our level of celebrity would decrease. Do you think anyone would have ever heard of Jodi Foster if that crazy stalker guy of hers had been scared off and never tried to kill President Regan? Hell no.

But that last statement brings up a good point. We aren’t real sure how crazy our stalker is. They might be the stabby type of stalker (like the one Monica Seles had) or the break into your house and pretend to be your wife type (like David Letterman’s). We suppose it’s entirely likely that our stalker would want to wear our skin like a coat to feel more powerful. Too bad that doesn’t work though ‘cus if that’s all it took to be more powerful than we would totally wear the skin of like David Beckham or something. We don’t know if we’d do the actual killing and skinning part but we’d buy the skin off eBay or something… unless the seller was asking too much for shipping.

But that’s a digression and beside the point. And only slightly disturbing.

By our calculations, our stalker is in the preliminary phase of the stalking. Stalking 101 if you will. Right now he (or she) is just concentrating on knowing our whereabouts at all times. A good percentage of our stalker’s day is spent trying to find out where we are or where we are supposed to be. Calendars are kept and checked on an obsessive level, sometimes updating themselves four to six times a day with information on our whereabouts.

Pretty sweet huh? We know it’s not much right now but we feel that with the proper care, this stalker/stalkee relationship can take off. Right now the relationship is just a keeping-tabs-on-us type relationship but soon it could be the waiting-outside-our-house-with-a-butcher-knife type of relationship. Again, care is needed to move all this to the next level.

Having a stalker can only be a good thing. Everyone who is anyone in the wild world of celebrity has a stalker so to be honored with our very own stalker is really something we just… well, we just don’t know what to say except that we are honored. Now we just need to get the paparazzi after us and we’ll be totally set.

This part of the whole equation is a bit tricky. We aren’t what the general populace would call “photogenic.” While people out there may not be clamoring to take pictures of us, yet, we can say that we like to have our pictures taken. Especially when they are other people’s pictures and they don’t know that we’re posing behind them. But then again, that is another story for another time and webpage.