If we had superpowers, we'd totally…
December 01, 2006

It’s hard to believe that as long as we’ve been doing this here column, not once have we written about super powers. This is even more difficult to believe when you consider that we’ve been to about five comic book conventions in the last four years.

We’ve written a crap-load of times about sex and religion but for some reason we’ve completely avoided one of the biggest questions of our generation. And yes, we know the question “If you had X superpower, what would you do?” is a little passé but you know… it’s about time that we weigh in on the subject. After all, we do consider ourselves to be experts on the subjects of both us and super powers.

A couple years ago J. Allen asked for, and got, a cape for Christmas. This cape is pretty much the coolest thing J. Allen owns. It’s an honest to god full on superhero cape that’s reversible – purple on one side and gold on the other. We’re sure there are people out there that may think J. Allen a loser for wanting a cape but consider this for a second; J. Allen with no cape – no girlfriend, J. Allen with cape – girlfriend. If that isn’t enough justification for the power of capes than we don’t know what is. Aaron is hoping for similar luck this year by asking for either a death-ray or a freeze gun. Both of these should garner attention from the ladies as everyone knows that chicks dig the bad boys and what could be more “bad” than owning a death ray? Nothing, that’s what.

But we’ve covered the ladies in previous columns so we’ll just stop this whole digression and get back to the matter at hand.

Superpowers can be fickle bitches. That’s why you really have to think about each one; weigh the pros and cons. But once you’ve decided, you then have to figure out what you’d do with it.

That said if we could…

… fly we’d, well, we’d fly places. There really isn’t much that you can do with this power on the surface, but if you think hard you can come up with some creative uses for a pretty pedestrian power. Take for example revenge. Some one pisses us off? We’ll just piss on them from above. They won’t know any better, they’ll just think it’s raining. They certainly wouldn’t think that someone was flying above them releasing the R. Kelly special. Another good thing about flight is that we’d obviously save a ton of time and money. No more traffic for us and no more begging for gas money.

… see through walls we’d spend every waking moment outside famous people houses. That or work for the KGB or something. If you couldn’t turn this power off it’d totally suck. We wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere because we’d see through other cars and our depth perception would be totally fucked up. We couldn’t tell people that we have this power either because no one would want us around. We’d always be starring at their bodies because we’d be able to see right through their clothes. Take it from us, chicks (and most dudes) don’t like it when you star at their tits and ass the entire time they are in your line of vision. Except for strippers. They do like it but only if you have a dollar bill in your hand.

… lift really heavy shit we’d totally enter that World’s Strongest Man competition you see all the time on ESPN 2. How cool would that be to stand right there next to all those guys, looking like we do, and lifting more that they can. If we were crowned the World’s Strongest Man we’d get crazy cash money from sweet endorsement deals and then acting roles in movies like “The Brawn and the Brave” and “Killing Machine that Kills.” Once we had our fill of the Hollywood life, we’d probably run for governor. Then after a couple years we’d declare war on California and hunt people for sport.

… read people’s minds we’d probably be in a lot of trouble. People already tell us shit that we don’t want to know, but can you imagine what they are not telling us? Good god, the things we would find out would be mind boggling. Literally. Of course, if we found out something really juicy, we would blackmail them. Now some of you out there don’t like this idea, but we would have no other choice. Web pages and strippers are not cheap. If we have to extort money from (name withheld) because he like to put his (appendage withheld) in (recipient withheld), so be it. We mean it’s not like we’re putting our (appendage withheld) into (recipient withheld). That’s just wrong. And really, when you think about it, blackmail is a victimless crime.

That’s it. That’s pretty much all we’ve got to say on the subject. So now we can check that off the “must write columns about” list that every writer is given when they start a column. That’s also it for 2006. Well kid’s it’s been real… maybe we’ll see you on the other side… or in a month when we come back from vacation.