You guys are crazy!
January 01, 2007

We imagine there are a lot of different types of ‘crazy’ running around this little world of ours. We can only imagine this because we are crazy and it’s kind of hard to diagnose a symptom when you are suffering from it.

Was that last statements a little confusing? If so, think of it this way: were people “clinically depressed” before it was the hip new thing and that Prozac drug came along? Hell no. People were just in shitty moods all the time.

The point is we are crazy. Not stab you ‘cus you looked at our girlfriend crazy or “hey, let’s go stick our wieners in that crocodile’s pond” crazy. We are functionally crazy. Brilliantly crazy we would even argue. At some point, during our formative years, our minds got broken… causing the current state of crazy. What ever happened, we must have been together because both our brains are totally screwed up… but again, functional. Brilliant even, by some standards. We can’t even blame alcohol or drugs because J. Allen doesn’t do either and Aaron only occasionally gets drunk at company functions. Or comic book conventions. Or weddings. Or Tuesdays.

Crazy people, and this is us speaking from experience, don’t waste time thinking about upcoming events or remembering things. Hell no. We are to busy wondering what would happen if you created your own universe (to keep in your pocket of course) and filled it with squid people that would taste a lot like mustard but it couldn’t be mustard because mustard doesn’t exist in the new universe. That’s what crazy people think about.

Seriously though – if we did create our own universe and filled it with squid people that tasted a lot like mustard how cool would that be? You could take the entire universe skiing with you and while enjoying a basket full of cheese fries you could convince a fat kid with a stuttering problem to eat the universe and report back to you what happened when he crapped the universe out…

… you know what? That is a digression, granted a crazy one, but a digression none the less.

So what brought this whole topic to the surface? Well, to be honest, a couple of different things. The first was a conversation between J. Allen and his girlfriend, the second was a dream of J. Allen’s and the third was when Aaron’s friends stopped asking him why he was laughing. They didn’t stop asking because they didn’t care, no, they stopped because they really didn’t want to know. There was also the letter from the Mormon’s that prompted a strong desire to send them back a note that said “Thanks but I’m not interested. P.S. Here’s a picture of my wiener.” but that is a different story that we’ll address in a separate column.

Let’s start with the obvious here and discuss the conversation. The next time either of us is asked “What are you thinking about?” we are going to lie. We are going to lie like… things that lie a lot. Like Mormons. We are going to lie because no one really wants to know what we are thinking. They want us to tell them what they want us to be thinking. During a recent conversation between J. Allen and his girlfriend the question in question was asked and J. Allen stupidly answered honestly. That answer was as follows:

“I was just thinking about a monkey smoking a Cuban cigar and wearing a tuxedo pushing a wheel barrel full of popped Jack-In-The-Boxes down the gentle slope of a street located in a miniature city. Each Jack-In-The-Box was smiling really, really wide and giving a running commentary on the progress of the journey… all at the same time as their heads swayed back and forth. Why? What are you thinking about?”

The resulting silence pretty much let J. Allen know that wasn’t what he was supposed to say.

Moving on, let’s talk about J. Allen’s dream. The dream wasn’t really all the crazy by itself, but when combined with a strong desire to act on the dream… that’s what makes us crazy. In the dream, J. Allen, Aaron and a couple other random people decided to go to the local college campus to try a new menu item at the Taco Bell located in the university union. The new entrée was, and stay with us on this one, a hot dog bun, with a hot dog on it, covered in macaroni and cheese and jalapenos. The name of this fanciful treat was “The Wonder Woman.” We have no idea where the hell any of that comes from. Why would Taco Bell have such a treat and even more so, why the hell would it be called The Wonder Woman? Anyways, like we said, dreams are supposed to be weird so that part isn’t that crazy. That fact that when J. Allen told Aaron about the dream, they both decided that The Wonder Woman needed to be eaten and the recipe sent to Taco Bell… that’s what makes us crazy.

Finally, it’s the small things in life that make us crazy. Take for example Aaron. While he drives around he will occasionally let out a little chuckle. What brings this on? Could be something he sees or just a random thought that jumps into his head? There really is no rhyme or reason to it. The thing is, he doesn’t even need to see something funny. Case in point. Driving around with his friends M & S (names withheld to avoid paying them royalty rights) Aaron sees a fat kid leaning against a chain link fence, bowing the fence out a little. Aaron laughs. M asks Aaron what’s so funny and Aaron proceeds to tell M & S that he just thought about running up behind the kid, kicking him on the ass (not hard mind you, but enough to scare the crap out of him) and then laughing as the kid laid on the ground crying. The total vision time in Aaron’s head is what made this special. In his mind, the laughing while crying part lasted about a half hour. That was the last time M or S asked Aaron why he was laughing.

These types of crazy should be encouraged. Crazy makes life more interesting. Without crazy we’d have no fun, no excitement, no spontaneity, and no Wonder Womans (both the comic character and the delicious delicacy).

We know we’re crazy, but at least we’re functional, productive members of society. The kind of crazy we’ve got going on can lead to good things and we’re pretty sure that in the near future we’ll be a totally different type of crazy – the eccentric millionaires crazy. It’ll be hella sweet. We’ll be crazy rich and then when we die we’ll leave everything to our cats.

One last thought, we know we’re crazy, but what about the person who just spent several minutes of their day reading about how crazy two strangers are?