Cool As Shit
November 01, 2007

Being the trend setters that we are, people look to us every year about this time as they begin getting set for the new year. People need us to tell them what to wear, what to say and how to act in order to be considered “cool” by their peers. We won’t lie, it can be daunting, having this responsibility, but it comes with the territory. It comes with being famous writers/ directors/ actors/ producers/ musicians/ sexperts/ dorks.

Besides, if we didn’t tell people what’s cool, who would? It’s not like there are entire television stations dedicated to the topic of “being cool.” We wish there was. It would make our lives easier. There is a station that plays nothing but music videos but nothing on there tells us what the cool kids are doing, or saying or wearing. That music station, just for reference, appropriately enough is called MTV. “M” as in “music,” in case you need to remember it.

Now before we get into what’s cool, or what will be cool next year, you have to understand the concept of cool. Cool is everything and at the same time nothing. Cool is a contradiction of itself. Cool, if labeled as cool no longer becomes cool. That’s how cool cool is. You can be cool and not know it but the second you do know it you’re no longer cool. It’s kinda like swimming in a pool of afterbirth with a blindfold over your eyes. While you’re in there doing it, it’s the most magical feeling you’ve ever experienced but the second you find out it’s afterbirth you only want the fuck out of there. That happened to us once at a party. We don’t want to get too far into it, but a couple years ago this guy we knew invited us to a party but when we got there it was just him and a shitload of afterbirth. Now where he got that much afterbirth, we don’t want to know, but we still went for it, because that’s the way we role, but that just never needs to happen again.

Enough of that digression… let’s get back to cool.

Next year, the first thing people will use to judge your coolness is the way you look. Let’s face it; looks are important, no matter what Oprah tries to say. If you are going to look cool next year, you’ll need to be wearing biker shorts, tube tops (yes, even you guys out there) and fishnet stockings (underwear optional). The “Hooker” look has been steadily coming on over the last couple years so isn’t it just time to jump in all the way? Nothing screams sexy and cool like a hooker and tight biker shorts with fishnet stockings. The beauty of this look is that both men and women can pull it off with relative ease and as we all know from our experience with hookers, weight and body type have nothing to do with whether or not you should wear these clothes.

Wait, did we just admit that we have experience with hookers? What we mean is, um… moving on…

The way you communicate is also a really important part of being cool and the words you use really do matter. You can’t walk into a room of cool people and say “Evening my fine lads and lasses. Anyone care for a spot of tea or a crumpet?” That shit will get you killed in the South. The new phrases that will get you noticed next year are “irregardless,” “wienerific” and any use of the phrase “stank on my hang low.” For example: “That movie really makes you think about all the suffering in Darfur. Irregardless of what anyone else says, that movie was so wienerific that it makes me want to go get some stank on my hang low.” Say these words at least once per conversation if not once per statement. These words, and a general lack of comprehension of the English Language, will allow you to be the coolest person in any given situation. But remember; don’t acknowledge the fact that you may actually know what you’re saying. Just talk. The more ideas you can actually communicate the less likely you’ll be interesting.

Finally, how you act, how you carry yourself will let people know that you’re cool. Next year, calm will not be cool. No one will like calm people. Calm is so 1999. In 2008 you’ll need to be wild, be crazy! Seriously, chicks dig wild and crazy. Dudes do too. When you act all crazy like, even the most mundane thing feels like an adventure. Stuck in a boring line? Start singing Klingon war songs. Trying to impress that hot chick (or dude) at your work? Tell them (as you act out the scene in brutal detail) about the time you got all fucked up on Angel Dust and sucker punched a cop in the throat. Crazy sells, and believe us when we say if you play the crazy angle, you’ll get more action than you ever have in your life. It also helps if you’ve actually done all the crazy things you talk about doing. So if you haven’t gotten all fucked up on Angel Dust and sucker punched a cop in the throat, we highly recommend it. Yes, that pun was intended.

That’s it. That’s all it will take to be cool next year. How do we know this? We don’t think we are cool. So with that said, we must be cool and we just wrote this so this must be cool and therefore doing all of these things will make you cool. Until you realize that it makes you cool… then you’re screwed.