You want me to tuck this $1 bill where?
March 20, 2008

I, Aaron, would like to take this opportunity to state that the following is purely the opinion of the author, me, and not that of the Brothers Bell as a whole. Well, that’s not exactly true, I’m just the only one of us that has any real experience with the subject matter at hand. Right about now you’re probably asking yourself “what the hell is that fat ass talking about?” It’s quite simple my friends, I am here to talk to you about the importance of strip clubs.

Now when I say “importance” I don’t mean anything along the lines that strip clubs (and the strippers that are contained within) will one day save the world. No, strip clubs (and the strippers contained within) are important because they are simply a means to an end. See, like a lot of Americans, I’ve been single for a long time and while that may change soon, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t get to see boobs, besides my own, on a regular basis. Thus, strip clubs are important to me and everyone like me. It’s scientific fact that if a person, man or woman, doesn’t see boobs every so often, they will die. It’s true. Look it up.

Now don’t go taking this column as me admitting that I’m one of those creepy guys that goes to strip clubs, alone, every weekend (or night) hoping that my large stack of one dollar bills will be enough too woo one of the dancers into a long term, committed relationship. In the 11 years that I’ve been able to get into strip clubs, I have only ever been in three, and of those three, there is only one that I’ve been to more than once. In all, I’ve set foot in strip clubs only about 10 times in the last 11 years. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, that’s enough to have seen some fucked up shit.

Now in a perfect world, every strip club would be clean, all the dancers (read: whores) would be beautiful and fit, and everyone would be isolated so that you wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anyone but the dancers. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world and the clubs that I have experienced are nothing like the ones I described. They are dirty, god forsaken places – the kind of places that if they did not offer live boobs, I would never go inside. But as I’ve established, there’s a catch. These dirty, god forsaken places offer boobs. Live boobs and boobs right in your face. Literally. Why spend money on ambiance when the patrons won’t really notice? There are boobs to look at, and sometimes even vaginas so realistically, if you’re paying attention to what’s on the walls and not what’s being ground onto your lap, you probably should go somewhere else.

Aside from the boobs, and every once in a while the stray vag, my favorite thing about strip clubs is the people who are in them. I’m not talking about the strippers, either; I’m talking about the other people in the club. Now I know I just said that you’re weird if you are looking at anything else other than the ladies, but you can look at the other people. Why? Because you will not see a more bizarre group of people anywhere else in the world. I’ve seen blind people, crippled dudes, midgets and a fair number of non-working women, but there are a couple “regular” types that you’ll find in strip clubs. In one corner you’ll have mister lonely guy, who is there to commit everything he sees to memory to use as a masturbatory fantasy later. Coincidentally, that guy looks an awful lot like me, though I’ve never been lonely nor desperate enough to go into a strip club alone. Then there are the old perverts that think they can get away with the same shit that they used to get away with in the olden days. I have seen a couple of old guys get tossed from a club. It’s always pretty cool.

But the best, the best person you can see at a strip club is the guy that thinks he’s really going to score with one of the strippers. Seriously, there are these people out there. You’ll notice them right away because they are the only ones that actually have a girl sitting at the table with them. Throughout the course of the night you will see them toss out money to the object of their affection like it’s going out of style. Tipping big, getting lap dance after lap dance. On one hand it’s kinda sad, on the other, though, it’s really, really funny. Why is it so funny? Everyone in that place knows that that dude will be going home alone.

Wow, I’ve gone through all this and I haven’t talked about the girls yet. That’s kinda crazy this being a column about strippers and all. Well, never fear… let’s talk about bitches.

Now let’s try a little experiment shall we? Ok, stand up. All of you, stand up. Now, if you’ve never been to a strip club, sit down. Now, if you’ve never seen a stripper who is a little too old to be stripping, say in her 50s, sit down. If you’ve never seen a stripper who is a little overweight, let’s say by about 50 pounds, take a seat. It’s a safe bet that there are still quite a few of you standing, because, let’s face it, these things aren’t all that uncommon. Here’s where I drop a lot of you though. If you’ve never seen a dancer with bad boob job scars, take a seat. Now if you’ve never seen a stripper with a horrible boob job, like one tit is noticeably, and I mean noticeably bigger, you can sit down with the rest of them. If you’ve never seen a stripper who had obviously just had a baby, sit down. Now I’m not talking about having a baby a few months ago, I mean a baby less that a week ago. Those of you who have never seen an obviously pregnant stripper, join our friends who have gone before you. Now, if you’ve never seen a seven-foot-tall, butt-fucking-ugly chick with no tits who quite possibly was a man at one point, take a seat. If you’ve never been kicked in the head by a stripper while she’s doing her “routine,” go a head and sit down. At this time it’s probably a safe bet that I’m the only one still standing… yeah. I’ve seen all that and more. But none of that is enough to turn me away. If anything, it makes the whole experience that much more exciting because I can honestly say that I will see something completely new every time I go.

So what was the purpose of this little column? Was it a cautionary tale intended to dissuade you going to a strip club? No. Was it a move to show you people how many boobs I’ve seen in my life? A little. Really, I’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit in my strip club going experiences and I just felt like sharing some of it.

But seriously, I have seen a lot of boobs. They’re magical.