Oh God(s)!
August 15, 2008

On the topic of religion.

There is no god. We know this and most people we know, know this about us. It’s just a part of us and it’s not likely to ever change. But occasionally we get interrogated (and yes, that’s the right word to use there) about why we don’t believe there is a god. Well, that’s a lot easier for us than it is for most people to say why they do believe – probably because we have to go through this so often.

Here’s the deal (or a deal since this isn’t the only reason we don’t believe in god) – there is no god because if there is a god, there could, and probably would, be more than one. God(s) have to come from somewhere right? It’s not like god made itself. See it’s the whole “Chicken and the egg” situation here. If god made him self, and then made man in his own image, wouldn’t all men have gigantic wieners? Do you think god would have made himself and not given himself a huge wang? We don’t think so. If we know anything about the bible, and we really don’t, it’s that god is very vain and he’d do anything to get laid. Even disguise himself as a cow. Now, where were we?

So where does god come from? What high school did he go to? What were his parents like? Does he have an older sister that’s kinda hot and totally slutty? None of that’s never really addressed in any (modern) religion. So if we don’t know where it came from, we can’t be for sure that there isn’t a whole gaggle of gods up there somewhere.

If there was more than one god, that would explain a whole bunch of things. Like how god can want both the Red Sox and Yankees to win. How god can do some just fucking terrible shit to one little girl and then turn around and give another little girl a brand new bike even though she didn’t deserve it – the little bitch. The more than one god theory would go pretty far in explaining why god can be a total dick one second and then turn around and be a totally awesome being doing totally awesome things.

But if there is more than one god than they all must really like/want to do Paris Hilton because there really is no reason why that piece of waste is still around. Seriously, she’s a waste of oxygen that in no way should be allowed to continue living. This digression shouldn’t be allowed to live any longer, either.

And how much would it suck being the only one of your kind if he/she was the only god? And who would it talk to when it’s feeling blue or fed up with having to listen to a bunch of whiney-ass humans complaining about some spoiled bitch getting the bike that you totally deserved? It’s not like it could come on down here to earth and talk to someone about how much it sucks being god. Other than Wayne Gretzky, who is the god of hockey, who else would be able to relate? We guess it could come talk to us but we’d just remind it that it doesn’t exist and then it’d get really mad and turn us into frogs or something.

The gods love J. Allen and Aaron and they them.

Sure there are some religions with a ton of gods and those at least have a little bit more credibility with us than any of the others. But even those have some weird things about them. Like how do the gods split up their duties. Is it first come first serve? Do some gods get pissed at the other gods that got really easy duties? And what happens when a god wants a promotion?

So yeah… when god or the gods come down and explain some of this to us, which would be a really good idea if they did, not just for us but the entire world, then we’ll remain nonbelievers.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, god!