How To Not Get Tasered While Flying
June 15, 2008

There are certain things that we should never do on an airplane. We all know them. We’ve all flown enough to know that you can’t make bomb jokes or terrorist jokes or any joke remotely associated with either bombs or terrorists. Doing those things will get you a ticket to Guantanamo faster than you can say “Miranda.”

But this isn’t a column about bombs and terrorists. It’s a column about the other things that you shouldn’t do on an airplane. Things that won’t get you sent to secret prisons but will probably get you kicked off the plane and a stern talking to by local and/or federal authorities.

Now, at this time, for various legal reasons, we’d like to point out that we have never done any of these things, nor are we telling you to go do them. No, these are the things that we think about every time we fly, but because of various legal reasons, we don’t actually do. That’s why we just wrote them down – so that next time you fly, you can think of these things and remember that you shouldn’t do them.

Do not take the complimentary blanket, wrap it around your neck like a cape and run up and down the isle of the plane making “whoosh” sounds. Again, doing this would be an awesome amount of fun but unless you are under the age of six, someone (more than likely an Air Marshal) is gonna tackle and taser the shit out of you.

Do not make eye contact. With anyone. Eye to eye contact is seen as a threatening stance and will most likely get you tasered. Just look at the floor or look at the shitty in-flight magazine.

Do not try to convince those around you that you are in fact a sentient robot from a distant planet named Optimus Prime. This will only get you weird looks, but if you then continue and ask if they would like to see your “Matrix of Leadership,” that’s a tasering issue for sure.

Do not tuck the money you will be using to pay for cocktails into your crotch and ask the flight attendant to “go on in there and grab it, sweetheart.” A slap across the face is the likely end result of such an exercise and depending on how close the particular flight attendant is to the Air Marshal, you might get tasered.

As a quick digression, why is it that we always sit next to the fattest people on the plane? Neither one of us has had an arm rest to ourselves in years. When we sit there, in our seat patiently waiting as people board the plane, we know that the fat guy/girl behind the really attractive woman is the one that’s sitting next to us. Don’t complain about sitting next to the fat people too loudly because if the Air Marshal is fat, he’s gonna taser you.

So back to the things you shouldn’t be doing on planes. Don’t watch porn – softcore or hardcore. We’ve actually seen this go down and to be honest, it was a little fascinating. The dude watching the porn was doing his best to conceal the fact that he was watching porn on his little personal DVD player but sitting right behind him, there was no way he could hide what he was doing. Why they hell would you do this on an airplane to begin with? It’s not like you can just whip it out and go to town on your wiener in the middle of a plane flight from Boston to LA. Which leads us directly to our next point.

Do not whip your wiener out and beat it like you caught it breaking into you house. That will get you tasered for sure if not arrested the second you land. Just wait until you are in the cab on the way to the hotel like everyone else. At the very least, wait till you get to the nearest airport bathroom.

Just because the flight attendant gives you a soft drink for free, do not assume that she, or he, wants you. Under no circumstances should you smack her, or him, on the ass and tell her, or him, to meet you in the bathroom to “Spruce your Goose.” Tasing will likely occur.

Do not try to flush your “problems” down the airplane toilet. Trust us, they won’t fit.

When engaged in conversation, don’t ask the person sitting next to you what their social security number, address and phone number are. People are all sensitive about this type of thing lately. Remember the good old days when you could tell each other your social security numbers and laugh at how similar they were? Maybe we’ll get back there some day. Some day.

Well, there you have it, several things that you should never, ever do on an airplane. So, what did you get out of this little exercise? Hopefully a few laughs, but when you think about it, we just gave you something else. Once you’ve read this, you can’t un-read it. That means that the next time you get on a plane, this list is all you’ll think about.

And that, is our present to you.